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5 Ways To Practice Compassion Among Your Family and Friends Through the Holidays

The holidays are a time when families usually come together to celebrate the season of gratitude, but this holiday season is shaping up to be like none other. While the season is often marked by abundance, it can also be a time of great need, especially this year as the pandemic rages.

Many are struggling this year. Even in seemingly stable families, there exist struggling college students, extended family who may be going to the food bank for the first time, moms who are secretly going through a divorce and wondering how to get by during the coming year, and family members facing a diagnosis that will require hospitalization.

Why not use this time together while apart to look for and help your friends and family that could use an extra hand this holiday season?

Here are five ways to weave compassion – for yourself and others – into the coming holidays.

Check In: Don’t Assume It’s All Okay

Do you have a friend or family member that you think might be going through something? Check in and ask. Offer to drop off a meal, send them a card or a text. Make a phone call. You don’t have to pry into their life but be there and listen to what they have to say. The holidays can trigger all kinds of feelings and are a good time to touch base, especially amid the flurry of holiday cards and photos.

Listen to Understand

There’s a difference between “listen to talk” and “listen to understand.” Listening to understand means you’re actively listening to the other person. You’re not in the “problem-solving mindset,” you’re in the “exploration” mindset. Your friend may simply need to talk. Or they might need advice or a second opinion. Whatever it is, you won’t know unless you practice listening to understand. Creating space for those story-telling family members is a great place to start – studies show that recounting stories improves self-esteem in seniors.

Care for Yourself

Maybe you’re the one who is always there for everyone and always showing up when people need it most, and maybe this year, you’re exhausted from the mental load of a global pandemic. Tell someone you need to talk and make the time to do it, whether it’s a friend, a family member, a therapist, or counselor. Your needs are valid and important and your family and friends will respect that you know how to ask for and get the help you need to live your best life. Make it the gift you give yourself this year.

Find Causes That Speak To You

Find nonprofits and causes that you can make an ongoing part of your life. Why? Because when a cause speaks to you, you’re more likely to look for creative ways to help it. Consider creating a gift card drive for a local nonprofit that could use some extra help supporting their community this year. When you’re actively involved with a cause you believe in, you’re more likely to talk about it with your friends and encourage them to give back in ways that are meaningful in their lives. Giving Tuesday is just one day, but a great day to start.

Get Organized

When you know someone who is going through a hardship, like a loved one in the hospital, the birth of a new baby, a sick child, or the death of a loved one, organize your friends and family to help them. This can be done with online tools like Give InKind that help you coordinate financial contributions, calendar tasks, chores, and more on a dedicated page that helps the person in need get exactly what they need. Time spent with family is a great time to pull together and make a plan for supporting someone you love.

No matter how you give and give back this holiday season and beyond, stay mindful about those in need. May we all be lucky enough to not need, but when we do, may we all have the support of our loved ones and community to help us through.

Create an inKind page here for someone who needs a little extra support this year, or start a Give InKind Holiday Giving Drive Page here. If you have any further questions, visit Give InKind’s Help Center or contact us directly at [email protected].

How To Help A Father Cope With Miscarriage & Infant Death

This article is intended to help the family and friends of a bereaved dad to provide necessary emotional support in the shocking and reverberating wake of baby loss.

This is not easy.

Although men grieve baby loss absolutely, society does not affirm the depth of their suffering. As a result, many men report feeling extremely isolated.

Among them is acclaimed author Daniel Raeburn, author of Vessels: A Love Story. He acknowledges that men do not always express themselves as well as they might. In sudden baby loss, they can feel once removed, and less connected. Whereas their wives or partners labored, they themselves did not. They are at once deeply affected, and also untethered.

Raeburn was shattered by the loss of his daughter, Irene.

It is common to worry that asking too many questions of men will be seen as prying. Social convention is admittedly murky on the point of men and perinatal loss. Thankfully, this is evolving.

I throw down a challenge.

Consider how our familial roles have shifted. We live in a post-traditional society wherein men are expected to help with babies and children. Creating a safe space for their grief in loss is therefore essential.

Here are some concrete ways family and friends of bereaved dads can help:

Spell it out. Acknowledge that men have trouble talking about loss and grief. Having themselves not carried a baby, they may feel somewhat more distant from the experience. But they love so much. These concepts of loss and longing are beautifully rendered in Daniel Raeburn’s memoir, Vessels: A Love Story which is an essential gift. This book reflects complex understanding of male perinatal grief. It explains in gorgeous prose and complex terms, one fundamental truth. No, you are not alone.

Do something. Try not to offer advice intended to make a loss dad “feel better.” Resist efforts to “cheer him up.” Begin with an understanding that what you can do is limited – you can’t bring a baby back. However, the presence of a friend is deeply appreciated by lonely loss dads. Find things to do with him. A friend of my husband’s gave him a beer brewing kit and they brewed a batch. I don’t know if the beer was any good. I don’t know what they talked about. But I do know that my husband was less lonely that day. Invite him to get outside. Invite him on a camping trip. Encourage him to be active as he processes grief. Or take a bike ride. Getting out and away from the everyday – getting connected to the vastness of the outside — can rescale grief and bring some temporary relief from it’s powerful throes.

Deliver a pound of coffee. When you drop it off, ask to have a cup of coffee with him.

Encourage him to volunteer. Introspection and reflection is an essential part of the integration of grief. But so too is helping others. Encourage a grieving dad to engage a community project. Help identify a food pantry or a youth center that needs a fresh coat of paint. Purchase items for donation to the project of his choice and get started.

If a baby was cremated, consider male jewelry containing remains. Men don’t always feel connected to the physical baby they lost. Women carry the baby and they labor in loss. This lack of physical connection can obscure the actualization of loss. It can make grief a moving target. Some men report a powerful attachment to babies’ ashes, perhaps as a result. For these reasons, male jewelry containing remains can actually be very grounding for some dads. Funeral homes can coordinate facilitation of this.

I would reiterate that it is right and good to reach for dads in loss. You are not “reminding” them of their pain – you are affirming it. In so doing, you are helping them heal.

Vessels cover art courtesy of W.W. Norton & Co. Used with Permission.

Sick Child: What Not to Say After a Serious Pediatric Diagnosis

I will never forget Andy. We were neighbors and had children the same age, so our paths crossed regularly.

When my three-year-old son Nathan was diagnosed with a life threatening brain tumor, we made immediate plans to fly from Santa Fe, New Mexico, where we were living, to New York. Santa Fe is blessed with beautiful blue skies, clean air, cultural richness, but when you are facing a medical crisis you look for the largest pool of medical experts you can find.

Word spread quickly that the unimaginable had struck our family, and we began receiving calls, cards, and visits from friends who were in shock. Of course they wanted to help, but most arrived without a clue about what was really needed. They offered tears, hugs, and a lot of words as if chatter could make it go away. One friend who was a teacher came in the house, burst into tears, sat down and began to list all the services that schools offered for disabled children. If Nathan ended up blind, there was this program. If he ended up mentally impaired, there was another program. The list of horrible “ifs” was endless, each with its own program that we should be grateful for. This was forty years ago, and it still upsets me to remember. I wish I had been able to turn her off, to say, “This is not helping. Please stop,” but in that state of deepest vulnerability it is hard to muster those self-defense mechanisms.

And just for the record, the other kinds of offerings that are not helpful include:

Pointing out that it could be so much worse, because in that moment it cannot be;
Proposing that perhaps this is part of the grand scheme and that there is a silver lining somewhere, that this is a wonderful lesson in something that will become clear to us some day;
And a variation on this theme, above, suggesting that Nathan’s tumor is part of his past lives legacy, that this is what he “needs” to experience, to endure. (This is where I am glad that I don’t own a gun….)

Many came with food which I think is probably a good idea if there are extra people around, relatives who have come from elsewhere. But we were alone and it felt like a burden to have to thank, then store, then eat, then wash the dish, remember who brought it, return it and say thank you again. I understand that people want to do something, and feeding is so basic. I appreciated the effort, but would have appreciated it more if the containers had been cardboard cartons, foil packages or ziplock bags. Then we could just say thank you, store it and eat it. The end.

Parents of Nathan’s friends came with particular angst. What if their child had a brain tumor? What if little Jenny or Billy were one in 300,000 like Nathan? And after waiting what I’m sure they considered a decent amount of time, the subject inevitably came around to those early symptoms of the brain tumor. What did we first notice? And when I said that his eye was wandering and we took him to the eye doctor, I could see their panic as they wondered how soon they could get an appointment. I hated that moment.

I also felt branded in some way, almost like a pariah. People were drawn to me for good reasons of wanting to help, but they were also repulsed, terrified by the reality that this unimaginable had struck someone so close to home. I was that embodiment. I was everyone’s worst nightmare, which is not an easy role to play.

And then there was Andy. She appeared at the door with a small plastic bag. Her face was stricken. She didn’t need to say anything. I knew she knew and she was devastated. She didn’t ask to come in, and I didn’t invite her in, just being too raw and exhausted. She handed me the bag and said, “This is all I could think of. It’s a bottle of Valium and my American Express card.” I melted. There was something so sensitive, so practical, so direct and simple about this expression. She didn’t need to say or do anything else. We hardly ever see each other anymore, but when I do, I remember that moment when she appeared and offered what she could, with few words and a lot of love.

I’m Talking Honestly About Chronic Pain & I’m Not Fine

Give InKind is proud to feature Sarah Dillingham. If you are dealing with chronic hand pain, please check out our helpful directory on the Grace & Able website and join us over in the Living with Hand Pain community.

I’m fine.

One of the most puzzling things about people with chronic illness is that we often tell people that we’re fine when we’re not.

I have rheumatoid disease (aka rheumatoid arthritis). It is an autoimmune condition where my immune system attacks my own body, especially my joints.

This is about as much fun as it sounds. Imagine someone slowly trying to pull your fingers off of your hands or prise your knee apart with a screwdriver and you’ll get the idea.

I’m in pain every day. Yet whenever anyone asks me how I’m doing, I automatically say ‘I’m fine thanks!’.

So what’s going on?

When it’s just a social nicety

Let’s be honest. Most of the time when an acquaintance asks ‘how are you?’ they don’t really care about the answer. They are expecting to hear ‘good, how are you?’

I’ve made the mistake of answering this question honestly. I see their eyes glaze over as they start scanning the room for an escape route.

If it’s someone I don’t know very well, I stick with ‘I’m fine.’ and move the conversation along.

When I’m having too much fun to talk about miserable things

Chronic illness is exhausting, which means I don’t get to socialize as much as I like.

When I’m out and about seeing friends, I want to make the most of my precious socializing time.

Sometimes, the last thing I want to talk about is my health.

So even though my friends are asking because they genuinely care, I may respond with an ‘I’m fine’. I’d rather use my precious socializing time to take a day off of thinking and talking about my illness to focus on something else.

When an honest answer could be used as ammunition

Disclosing your health condition at work is a very personal decision.

While many colleagues are understanding and supportive, you may feel wary about disclosing too much, especially if you are in a competitive working environment.

Keeping healthy boundaries and being thoughtful about who you disclose to is sensible.

When colleagues ask, ‘I’m fine’ can be the most appropriate answer.

When chronic pain is chronic

There is no cure for rheumatoid disease.

Medication and home management slow the progress of the condition, but it doesn’t stop it. It’s a lifelong condition.

I’m very conscious about wearing out other people’s sympathy. I don’t want to bore my friends and family by talking about my health 24 / 7.

I save my ‘I’m not fine’ moments for when I really need their support.

When we’re just about holding it together

Sometimes I say ‘I’m fine’ because if I started talking about how hard it is I would collapse in a puddle of tears.

And nobody wants to do that in the middle of Costco.

These are the times when you may need to lean on your friends, family or whatever support system you have. Don’t struggle alone if you don’t have to.

What to do when you’re not fine

Chronic illness is tough.

There’s no shame in reaching out for support.

Accessing the support you need, when you need it is crucial.

If you can’t talk with your friends or family, please consider finding support via your medical provider, a charity or one of the many incredible online patient communities.

We all need spaces to vent, share, support and have the occasional laugh.

If you are dealing with chronic hand pain, please check out our helpful directory on the Grace & Able website and join us over in the Living with Hand Pain community.

If you are in crisis, please call The National Suicide Prevention hotline on 1-800-273-8255.

3 Things Not to Say to Someone with Chronic Illness

Living with a chronic illness is challenging. Chronic illnesses are often misunderstood. Unwanted advice and comments can be hurtful, even when they are well-intentioned.

If you have a friend or family member with a chronic illness, here are some phrases you may want to avoid.

“You don’t look sick.”

What does sick look like?

Is it someone in bed with the flu?

Or someone hobbling around in a plaster cast with a broken leg?

What happens when you don’t fit into one of those boxes?

We all know what to do and say when someone has an injury or an illness that they are going to recover from.

But chronic illness conditions are different. People are not going to recover. They may have periods of remission and flares where the severity of their symptoms vary.

Invisible illnesses are not always obvious to the untrained eye – which is why they are often called invisible illnesses.

When you only see someone out and about on a ‘good’ day, it’s easy to assume that they are 100% healthy. You don’t see the level of effort it takes to get out of the house.

You might think that ‘You don’t look sick’ is a compliment.

But it can also imply faking.

The irony is that people with chronic illnesses are often faking being well.

“Have you tried….?”

Yes, I’ve tried yoga. And turmeric. And paleo. And acupuncture, osteopathy, copper bangles and cherry juice.

I’d sit in a bathtub of beans if I thought it would fix my rheumatoid disease (it doesn’t by the way, so don’t try it at home).

Often this advice is very well-meant. When someone makes a suggestion I’ll assume positive intent. I’ll reply ‘Thanks I’ll look into it’.

Things become awkward when someone won’t let it go (‘ah yes but did you *really* do keto?’).

Sometimes there is a strong implication that I’m lazy or actively choosing to be unwell.

Unless you have access to somebody’s medical records, any suggestions you make are exactly that – suggestions.

If someone doesn’t want to take your health advice on board, leave them be. They may have tried it before or it may simply not be right for them.

“At least it’s not cancer”

No. It’s not cancer. But it still sucks.

There’s something deeply unpleasant about this comment. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out why.

My theory is that it implies that cancer – and only cancer – is the benchmark of a ‘serious’ health condition.

The implication is ‘Why are you making such a fuss? It’s not like you’ve got cancer!’

It’s a passive-aggressive, dismissive and belittling thing to say.

It’s strange too because we don’t say ‘oh well at least you haven’t got cancer’ to people with the flu or with a broken leg.

We say ‘I’m sorry to hear you’re dealing with that.’

So what should you say?

Listening goes a long way. As do understanding and empathy.

If you are not sure what to say, try asking ‘How can I help?’ .

You might be surprised by the answer.

Grieving Together: Power of Actions & Power of Words

Gratitude to Scarlett Lewis who lost her six-year old son Jesse at Sandy Hook Elementary School. She went on to found the Jesse Lewis Choose Love Foundation.

We have many chances to learn that crises, as well as joyful events of all kinds, bring out our best human traits. Our impulse is toward empathy, creative innovation, resourcefulness, and support. Human beings are literally humans being – courageous, together, empowered to effect change. These things spring out of us with surprising energy.

When a healthy baby is born, we rejoice. Upon hearing of a family coping with end-of-life issues, we find ourselves wanting to reach out. There is a primal communal response to need of all kinds. Our challenge is to channel this need effectively and well.

jesse3 — Jesse Lewis’ handwriting upon a chalkboard. His mother would discover it after he died at Newtown.

Sometimes we don’t know the best way to help someone whose life matters to us. We fumble even as we aim. We wish to do whatever little or great thing we can to help those who need help.

Where a need is associated with illness or loss, we struggle with varying degrees of taboo. We are sometimes tripped up in much larger social prohibitions that define how we talk specifically (or don’t) about illness, death, and the general topic of loss.

Here is where it might be helpful for us to reframe such opportunities: they offer us a chance for communication to be bolstered. In asking for help, those who need it find themselves typically humbled by the response. Those with the opportunity to give get to feel like their best selves. Great honor touches both aspirations.

Opportunities to teach others about the profound experiences in life by instructing about what is actually useful creates a ripple effect. You want to help? This is how. Do this.

We are lucky to be given a chance to see our own place in time. We are fortunate to be given opportunities to take stock of our lives as we live them. By giving in our lives, we tap into our vulnerabilities while also seeing the goodness of small acts.

scarlettjesse — Jesse and Scarlett Lewis.

As we live together we both rejoice and mourn together. We express ourselves. The connective tissue that connects us is nurtured and developed – almost like a predictive muscle memory. Participating in mourning rituals or coming to a hospital bedside to hope for recovery, we face down our most powerful fears about sickness and death. For those giving, these efforts come before personal experiences of death or illness.

In love, we find ourselves human and connected, while in loss, we honor the essence of those we love while lacking their presence. The fright can reduce us all to questioning. Yet by forming a chain from birth to death, to live communally around the things we cannot see, we all benefit. We have memories as snapshots.

When the Newtown shooting took place in Connecticut in December of 2012, profound shock and mourning gave way to the human desire to help. Strangers from around the world flooded Newtown with presents. Hundreds of thousands of teddy bears, bikes, and art supplies filled warehouses.

Which makes it clear why those teddy bears mattered after a mass shooting, the efficacy of which some have questioned. Scarlett Lewis, whose son Jesse died in Newtown’s first-grade classroom, recalls being deeply touched by these efforts to help. Speaking to Give InKind, Lewis encourages people in crisis to start at the point of openness, offering this advice:

“Allow people to help you. Open yourself up to allow people to help. Start here. They are helping themselves by helping others. Try not to be someone who says no. We are all just here to help one another.”

Or as the poet William Blake wrote: “And we are put on this earth a littler space that we might learn to bear the beams of love.” In both love and loss, we learn better how to grow and grieve and give. In dying or illness, we learn to receive and take comfort, and in this way, only together, can we learn to bear all the many beams of love.

Photos courtesy of Scarlett Lewis. Used with Permission.

I Want to Help But Babies Freak Me Out: How To Visit New Parents

Give In Kind is honored to feature Molly Tallon, a birth doula.

When your good friends become parents, you want to be there for them, remain in their lives as part of their village. But if you are honest, babies kind of freak you out. You have no experience with diapers, or strollers, or what the deal is with the “no soft cheese” rule. You don’t want to grow apart, loose them to parenthood.What do you do besides send them something on their registry?

Here is a guide to being an all-star friend, yet remaining in your comfort zone:

DO: Bring or send food! Preferably dinner, and preferably on the early evening side. If you are making it, bring it over in disposable containers or ones that you don’t care about getting back anytime soon, because they have a baby and they don’t have bandwidth for that. Take-out or delivery is also a huge treat! Obviously always take dietary restrictions into account!

DON’T assume you are staying for dinner. If you deliver it yourself, either drop it off on the porch and run away sending a text letting them know their meal waiting for them on the porch, or come in – quietly – bring the meal to the table or the kitchen. Give a hug, a wave, or a high-five, tell them how cute their baby is, tell them they look amazing.

DO Complete some kind of household chore without being asked:

“I’m taking out your trash and recycling on my way out.”

“I’m going to take Rover on a walk, be back soon!”

“I’m going to switch the laundry and fold this batch, just tell me where everything goes!”

“What day do your cans go out on the street? I’ll come over and make sure it’s done.”

DO run errands for them without being asked:

“Hey, I’m at the drug store, I was thinking of you, what can I grab you? Anything?”

“Hey, I’m at the grocery store, what can I bring you?”

“Grabbing lunch at our favorite spot, I’m going to bring over your favorite salad, be there in 30 minutes!”

Here is the tricky part, they will say “No, that’s okay, you don’t have to…” But do it anyway!

My personal favorite: The Ninja Clean: When using the bathroom do a quick, wipe down of the shower, sink and toilet. Take out he garbage, fold the towels, organize the counter top. This will make their day, they will remember it, probably forever.

DO bring or send an accompanying beverage with the meal. Beer, wine, vodka, iced tea, chocolate milk etc.

DO include a snack of some kind: trail mix, popcorn, granola bars, cheese sticks or your famous homemade oatmeal cookies. New parents often only have a few minutes (or seconds) at a time to nourish themselves – and maybe only one hand to do it – so anything filling and delicious that requires no prep is so useful.

DON’T offer any advice. From the moment they announced pregnancy they have heard every single variation of advice and horror story from feeding, to epidurals to sleeping or bowel movements. Unless directly asked, don’t tell them that “my cousin said that swaddling causes acid reflux” or that “you should never ice stitches according to ancient Chinese medicine.” They are just trying to survive the next five minutes, they don’t need something else to worry about.

DO tell them they are amazing parents already, and doing a great job. Because chances are, it’s true.

DON’T take it personally if you ask or offer to hold the baby and they “sorry, but no.” Newborns are happiest in the arms of their parents, and keeping their human contact to a minimum helps protect their brand new immune systems.

DO wash your hands before holding the baby. Do it without being prompted.”Great, let me go wash my hands.” Even if you believe strongly in microbiome seeding and think that hand washing is ridiculous, always offer to wash your hands. It shows that you care about their comfort and their baby’s safety before your own beliefs, and that makes a great friend.

DON’T take it personally if you don’t hear from them for a while, or if they are not so quick to answer texts, or they forget your birthday, or cancel at the last minute, or maybe just show up thirty minutes late for lunch. It’s really not you. It’s that becoming parent is world shifting. It’s often overwhelming, with all kinds of unexpected challenges. Be patient, be gracious.

DO listen. Sometimes new parents need someone to just listen to their story. This is a gift. If your friend feels safe enough to open up to you about a particular issue affecting them and their new family… you are trusted. Listen with an open mind and heart without judgement. Sometimes they don’t need advice, they just need someone to listen and hug and tell them that it’s going to be okay, even if you aren’t sure it is.

DO remind them that even though they have a baby and things have changed, you’ll always be there for them.

Things Your Aging Loved One Needs: Top Ten Eldercare Items

For older people, managing the challenge of self-care is a delicate balance. Many geriatric patients are hesitant to ask for or accept financial assistance from friends or family. They worry that they might burden those they love, knowing that those upon whom they rely have their own obligations.

“You’d be surprised. I have elderly patients sign out against medical advice because there is no one to feed their dog. They come back later, half dead. They risk their lives because there is no one who thinks to help with their pets.”

This coming from Andrew Wilson, M.D., an ER doc in a rural hospital. He speaks without judgment, from a place of compassion. Dr. Wilson reminds us that even those with insurance are not always fully covered. For someone living on a fixed income, even having 80% of these costs covered may still not be enough.

Give InKind asked Dr. Wilson to identify ten things elderly people often need but don’t always get. Sometimes these needs can fall through the cracks, so take this as a checklist and check in with a loved one.

Pet care – Elderly patients living alone often need help with their pets. Those wishing to assist such a patient would do well to check in with them about pet care and make the necessary arrangements for care, boarding, feeding, etc.
Dental Care – Dental insurance is not comprehensive and access to care is often very limited. As people age and dental care becomes a greater concern. Pain and discomfort is a common complaint among geriatrics. Look to help out with that. Ask about the dental care they are able to access and see whether you can help to provide that.
Colostomy care supplies – These very necessary items are not always covered by insurance.
Wound care – This is especially relevant for patients with diabetes. Foot care items for someone with diabetes can be healing. They are, however, expensive and sometimes out of reach for patients with a limited income.
Rides to and from medical appointments. Cab rides are a significant expense, especially if the need arises regularly. Check whether services like Lyft and Uber operate near you.
Train tickets to medical experts. For people with unusual cancers or who require specialized care, living in a rural area can present a challenge. For older patients, a local expert might not be available and the care they need might be located in a city several hours away. Older people people may no longer feel comfortable about driving long distances or maneuvering urban landscapes. Arranging help with transportation and accommodation is well worth it.
Eyewear – It is no secret that prescriptions for many elderly people are out of date. In an effort to save money, many will not replace glasses when they break, opting instead to fix them with tape. Take a loved one to a doctor and make sure their visual needs are taken care of. Offer them a gift card to Target so that they can go and purchase items for eye care – such as eye drops, readers, etc.
Tablets – Many geriatrics enjoy reading books but can no longer see the print. Tablets have settings that allow readers to adjust font size.
Orthotics. Make sure orthotics fit well. Geriatric falls are commonplace and are often the result of ill-fitting footwear or poorly made orthotics. Take your loved one for a pedicure to ensure feet and nails are taken care of properly. Falls are a common reason for hip breakage and could be the result of a poor gait.
Hearing Aid Batteries – These batteries can be budget busters for someone on a fixed income. Make sure to check whether a loved one has an adequate number of these batteries on hand. Life can be depressing and unnecessarily difficult if you can’t hear properly, and plus, people are safer if they hear can well.

How To Develop A Yoga Practice & Heal From Trauma

In 2005, my second child – a boy – was stillborn. Only then did I discover yoga with anything resembling intention. One morning, my friend Alex Auder appeared on my doorstep with a yoga mat. “I’m going to teach you to breathe,” she said.

I had practiced yoga here and there before. While I had liked it fine, there seemed to be a lot of stuff.

I did not “get” the total devotion that yoga devotees sometimes espouse.

I say this because I want readers to understand that I was, in certain ways, an unlikely candidate to be a yoga convert.

In breath though, I discovered a way to temporarily relieve the nausea-like effects of severe anxiety. The kind of anxiety that cuts you, and shallows your breath.

Research shows that baby loss often causes Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Symptoms include insomnia, anxiety, and flashbacks. In my own case, I felt hopeless and alone.

Says renowned trauma expert (and yoga proponent) Dr. Bessel van der Kolk:

“[W]hat most people do not realize is that trauma is not the story of something awful that happened in the past, but the residue of imprints left behind in people’s sensory and hormonal systems. Traumatized people are often terrified of the sensations in their own bodies. Most trauma-sensitive people need some form of body-oriented psychotherapy or body work to regain a sense of safety in their bodies.”

In the months following my son’s death, yoga enabled a pathway for me to experience myself in my body again. In a saffron-hued and scented yoga studio, lit with candles, I learned to stay in a moment even as I yearned to escape it. Everything was profoundly triggering. I was hyper-vigilant to what I perceived to be the probability of sudden loss.

I could not escape the memories I associated with my son’s stillbirth – the frigid air against my skin, and the pale moonlight that flooded the sky all night, turning the snow blue.

And still, in a pose, I could hold on.

According to Dr. van der Kolk:

[Y]oga helps regulate emotional and physiological states … [W]hat is beautiful about yoga is that it teaches us – and this is a critical point for those who feel trapped in memory sensations – that things come to an end. The process of being in a safe space and staying with whatever sensations emerge and seeing how they come to an end is a positive imprinting process.”

Lying on heavy woven yoga blankets and deep in winter, I listened to my instructor explain paths to enlightenment. I don’t know enough about them to try exploring them here, but there was such exquisite beauty in the mere notion of being released from suffering. I was truly open to ideas of dimensionality in a way it had hitherto long since lost. My mind was scattered as my body was sprawled on the mat: both were trying to reintegrate. The whole of me was trying to emerge. I felt like a photo in a tray at a film developing studio, first blank and then an image tremulously appearing.

According to Dr. Van der Kolk:

“[T]he rational brain is the crowning glory of human beings. It is there to help us engage in the world, but it is not very good in helping us take care of ourselves … [P]eople with PTSD, usually are out of touch with their physical sensations, and, as a consequence, have trouble taking care of themselves.”

It was liberating to let the rational mind go as much as I was able. Because it was faith of different kinds and traditions along a continuum of the absolute to the highly skeptical that got me through. As with Lucy in the wardrobe, Narnia-bound, I found in me, enough (never wholly, but enough), the capacity to believe in the not-quite- impossible. Yoga and meditation provided a critical conduit towards meaningful integration of pain and loss and fear.

In loss, it is necessary, good and correct to seek the things that sustain one – things that can strengthen one like a strong spine or a meditation on which to attach a new self in a world that is necessarily transformed.

Photographs courtesy of Alex Auder. Used with permission.

Sick Kids, Gifts & Thank You Notes: What To Expect

Parents of sick children are extremely appreciative of gifts given their children by friends, families, and communities. The value of these supportive gestures is hard to overstate.

When people give children presents during the course of illness and treatment, these gifts are a mercy. They distract from uncomfortable treatments. They break up the monotony of a day.

Still more importantly, these gifts acknowledge the challenge of the courageous fight a child faces.

They honor a unique bravery these children are forced to call up and discover within themselves – far sooner than they should.

What these gifts do not call up are thank you notes.

Most people, I believe, understand this when giving a present in such circumstances. I was surprised to find that parents of sick kids worry about this.

But the parents of sick kids do worry about a perception that these efforts aren’t appreciated.

Parents of sick children worry that their inability to respond to these gifts with a bread and butter note will be misconstrued.

These mothers and fathers want to say thank you.

These mothers and fathers don’t have time.

Know this:

Parents of children who are sick, discover the grace in every moment. They must also battle through heartbreak like tiny and sedated bodies in huge hospital machines. When they have a second, they must pay bills.

For those giving gifts, it is important to remember siblings. Siblings tend to be left out of the gift giving cycle. This can be very stressful for parents who are left to negotiate with a child who received a gift, and one (or more) who did not.

Young children cannot understand the complete medical situation. Therefore, the optics of a parade of gifts and attention heaped upon one hospitalized child over another non-hospitalized child are often confusing. This can cause tension between siblings.

If you are giving a gift, set a budget and divide it among the children. Or buy something they can use together. Write a little note that honors the sibling role in the family as courageous brother or sister. This is their battle too.

In giving a gift, go ahead and write on the card that you would prefer no thank you card, no acknowledgment.

The parents of sick children are warriors. Warriors choose their battles. A battle worth having is another dose of medicine a child hates, another needle. A battle not worth having is explaining that manners dictate a thank you note for the puzzle. Sick kids face many tedious, sick-making, uncomfortable treatments. A gift should arrive with no strings attached, no expectation of formal acknowledgment.

In addition, depending on the age of the child, writing may be difficult – they may not have learned to write yet. They may be too ill to do one more thing that feels like a chore. Kids can love a gift and still find thank you notes a bit oppressive.

For those in older generations, it may worth explaining that with more medical options comes more intense medical management.

Know that the gifts given sick children do a great deal to acknowledge the situation of the family. Importantly, this reduces their potential social and emotional isolation.

Who knew you could get all that out of a ream of Construction paper and some markers? All that, but still no thank you note.