Planning a Funeral on a Budget

How to give your loved one the goodbye they deserve while keeping costs down

By: Angela Serratore

When my father died a few years ago, I knew I wanted to keep costs down–for one thing, the estate hadn’t been settled, and I didn’t want to commit to an expensive funeral and then regret it when bills came due. For another, my father was a lifelong bargain hunter, and as I looked at what a full funeral with all the trimmings would cost, I could hear his voice in the back of my head: “you’re going to spend HOW much on an urn?” I imagined him asking, incredulous.

I wasn’t alone in worrying about money when I was in the immediate stages of grief–as funeral costs in America rise, families are now spending upwards of $10,000 for even fairly basic funerals.

Saving money on a funeral can be a challenge–you want to give your loved one the send-off they deserve, and it can feel hard to pinch pennies. But that doesn’t mean you have to mortgage the house, either–there are things you can do during the funeral planning process to ease the burden on your bank account.

Know your rights: The Federal Trade Commission requires all funeral homes to keep an updated master price list on file and make it available to consumers upon request. Plenty of funeral homes make their master price list available online, too. Examine the list closely, and don’t feel bad about shopping around! While you might not end up going with the least expensive option, it’s worth getting a sense of what different funeral homes charge for similar services.

Bring your own supplies: One thing the FTC makes very clear is that funeral homes aren’t allowed to charge you extra for using a casket or urn you’ve purchased somewhere else. As long as it meets the requirements of your cemetery, you’re allowed to use it! Considering the markup on caskets, this is a great place to save money. Costco, for example, sells caskets at a fraction of the cost of funeral home prices. If you’re opting for cremation, your options are even broader–any container that will hold cremains safely works.

Opt for direct burial or cremation: In addition to being the best options for the environment, direct burial and cremation are also significantly less expensive than funerals and burial ceremonies that involve embalming a body. Note: a direct burial is different from opting for a simple burial. A direct burial means the funeral director does the burial without the family present.

Don’t be afraid to customize: You may find, in working with a funeral home, that you don’t actually need all the bells and whistles they offer. One place it often makes sense to think about saving is the viewing–many funeral homes suggest four hours’ worth, while it might make sense to have only two.

Staying close to home: Rather than an expensive post-funeral event at a restaurant or event space, consider having a gathering at home. You’ll save on food and drink costs, especially if you ask guests to bring a dish or bottle of wine to share. If you feel bad asking, remember–people want to help, and in many cases will be grateful to you for including them.

Paying for flowers–don’t do it: From experience, I can say that even if you don’t have any funeral at all, or expressly tell people not to send flowers, or text everyone you know a link to your loved one’s favorite charity, it’s a fact that some people will not be able to stop themselves from sending flowers or plants. Take advantage of this! If someone wants to send flowers, incorporate them into the funeral decor and then bring them along to the cemetery. There’s no reason for you to spend money on something so many other people will want to give you.

How To Make The Most of Your Give InKind Page

You recently learned that someone you care about is facing a situation that Give InKind founder, Laura Malcolm, describes as a “life disruption.” These situations can run the gamut. They can involve the birth of a baby, an illness, a move, a separation, a loss – anything that creates a need for additional help that can be addressed by a caring community. As Malcolm has explained, there is really no good reason people should be allowed to ask for help only when they marry or have a baby. There are, in fact, lots of other times we need the help of a caring community.

When you create a page on Give InKind, you enable a community to step up and effectively provide the love and support a family or an individual needs.

Here are some tips for building a Give InKind page.

Begin by learning exactly what your recipient needs. The specifics you can provide are what will make the page a valuable resource for everyone in their lives. Sit with them and ask a few questions:

- What information do you want to share with everyone?
- What kinds of items would be really helpful to you?
- Do you need help like babysitting or meals? On what days?
- Do you have any allergies, or is there any food you don’t like?
- Do you want visitors? Texts or phone calls?

Use the Give InKind dropdown menus to get started.

One of the easiest ways for Page Organizers and Supporters to start is by choosing what you want to do from the dropdown menus at the top of the Give InKind page. The menu has three options — CREATE, GIVE, and LEARN. Hover your mouse over any of these options to display the dropdown menu and choose what you want to do.

CREATE Menu

Choose this option to create your Give InKind page. Click CREATE A PAGE to get started.

GIVE Menu

The GIVE menu helps supporters find gift products or services based on the Recipient’s situation, the gift category, or type of recipient. Just hover your mouse over the word GIVE and choose the giving category you want. This will display all of the items in the Marketplace that fall under that category. Note that if you are looking for a product you do not see, you may email us at Give InKind and we may add it to our offerings.

LEARN Menu

The LEARN menu offers quick access to Give InKind’s library, which includes hundreds of articles on life’s special circumstances. This is a great place to start for you, your Recipients, and your Supporters. Hover over the word LEARN to display some of the most popular articles or click SEE ALL ARTICLES & GUIDES to explore the entire Library.

Building The Page

With the recipient’s information in hand, it’s time to create a page, give it a name, and write a paragraph or two about your loved one’s current situation.

The versatility of the Give InKind page is what sets it apart. Use the many functions and options available to customize the page and give supporters as much help as possible for making their choices.

Make sure to indicate preferences for communication by enabling the tabs. Are visitors welcome? Are flowers desired? Are phone calls ok? Are texts preferred, or even encouraged? These are important details. Don’t forget to personalize the page by adding a picture of the recipient and customize the section behind the photo by changing the color, adding additional photos, etc.

Here are a few other things you can do to make the page as helpful as possible:

Tell Their Story

When you build your page, the first thing you can do after naming it and setting your preferences is to write the recipient’s story in the description.

Share as much or as little as they are comfortable with, but help them understand that this will connect them with their supporters and relieve them of having to re-tell their story. Share details that will let people know the kind of help that is needed, like how long the situation may last, if they will be needed at a hospital certain days of the week, or how daily activities like school pickups and dinner will be impacted. This will guide your visitors as they seek ways to support.

Note that there is a box that can be checked that turns on the privacy features so that the page cannot be shared beyond a group of people your recipient want. When this box is checked, the link can be shared by email, but the page will not appear on public search engine results or on the pages visible to Give InKind visitors on the platform itself.

Build a Wishlist

Understandably, most people don’t know what to do when confronted with a situation with which they are unfamiliar. While sending flowers is a lovely gesture, finding situationally appropriate products is deeply appreciated especially if the situation is likely to last a while. Use the items in the Give InKind marketplace to build their Wishlist – many of these products are suggested by people who have walked in the shoes of your recipient.

Create a Care Calendar

Take the time to explore the multiple custom features contained in the calendar dropdown menu. This enables the creation of a care calendar that allows for multiple people to pick up multiple children at multiple locations – and then some.

The calendar allows you to create events such as meal needs, babysitting, errand running, or whatever is needed in fields that include “other” and allow descriptors for all items. Add details like food allergies, how to get access to the recipient’s apartment building, or anything else people need to know. When they sign up to help, they will know just what to do and they can even add their own details. Those who sign up will receive email reminders.

Link Your Crowdfunding Campaigns

For many people dealing with tough circumstances, financial challenges can be great. If you or your recipient have created a GoFundme or PayPal donation account, you can easily place links to those accounts on the page. Just copy the existing crowdfunding link into the Give InKind page link and it will appear as an option to those hoping to give effective assistance. Give InKind takes no fees from these donations, though you want to be sure you are aware of any fees imposed by those sites.

When you finish building your page, send the link to friends, family, and maybe a few colleagues. Soon, the recipient will begin receiving messages and support.

Keep Supporters Updated

As the recipient’s situation evolves, go back to the page description and provide periodic updates. They may not need the same kind of help a month from now as they need today, and people feel closer to those they care about when they know what’s happening. An up-to-date page can be a great resource for the people in their life.

Please let us know what questions you have. If you discover products you find useful, please send them our way. We strive to simplify complicated times.

How To Help A Father Cope With Miscarriage & Infant Death

This article is intended to help the family and friends of a bereaved dad to provide necessary emotional support in the shocking and reverberating wake of baby loss.

This is not easy.

Although men grieve baby loss absolutely, society does not affirm the depth of their suffering. As a result, many men report feeling extremely isolated.

Among them is acclaimed author Daniel Raeburn, author of Vessels: A Love Story. He acknowledges that men do not always express themselves as well as they might. In sudden baby loss, they can feel once removed, and less connected. Whereas their wives or partners labored, they themselves did not. They are at once deeply affected, and also untethered.

Raeburn was shattered by the loss of his daughter, Irene.

It is common to worry that asking too many questions of men will be seen as prying. Social convention is admittedly murky on the point of men and perinatal loss. Thankfully, this is evolving.

I throw down a challenge.

Consider how our familial roles have shifted. We live in a post-traditional society wherein men are expected to help with babies and children. Creating a safe space for their grief in loss is therefore essential.

Here are some concrete ways family and friends of bereaved dads can help:

Spell it out. Acknowledge that men have trouble talking about loss and grief. Having themselves not carried a baby, they may feel somewhat more distant from the experience. But they love so much. These concepts of loss and longing are beautifully rendered in Daniel Raeburn’s memoir, Vessels: A Love Story which is an essential gift. This book reflects complex understanding of male perinatal grief. It explains in gorgeous prose and complex terms, one fundamental truth. No, you are not alone.

Do something. Try not to offer advice intended to make a loss dad “feel better.” Resist efforts to “cheer him up.” Begin with an understanding that what you can do is limited – you can’t bring a baby back. However, the presence of a friend is deeply appreciated by lonely loss dads. Find things to do with him. A friend of my husband’s gave him a beer brewing kit and they brewed a batch. I don’t know if the beer was any good. I don’t know what they talked about. But I do know that my husband was less lonely that day. Invite him to get outside. Invite him on a camping trip. Encourage him to be active as he processes grief. Or take a bike ride. Getting out and away from the everyday – getting connected to the vastness of the outside — can rescale grief and bring some temporary relief from it’s powerful throes.

Deliver a pound of coffee. When you drop it off, ask to have a cup of coffee with him.

Encourage him to volunteer. Introspection and reflection is an essential part of the integration of grief. But so too is helping others. Encourage a grieving dad to engage a community project. Help identify a food pantry or a youth center that needs a fresh coat of paint. Purchase items for donation to the project of his choice and get started.

If a baby was cremated, consider male jewelry containing remains. Men don’t always feel connected to the physical baby they lost. Women carry the baby and they labor in loss. This lack of physical connection can obscure the actualization of loss. It can make grief a moving target. Some men report a powerful attachment to babies’ ashes, perhaps as a result. For these reasons, male jewelry containing remains can actually be very grounding for some dads. Funeral homes can coordinate facilitation of this.

I would reiterate that it is right and good to reach for dads in loss. You are not “reminding” them of their pain – you are affirming it. In so doing, you are helping them heal.

Vessels cover art courtesy of W.W. Norton & Co. Used with Permission.

Sick Child: What Not to Say After a Serious Pediatric Diagnosis

I will never forget Andy. We were neighbors and had children the same age, so our paths crossed regularly.

When my three-year-old son Nathan was diagnosed with a life threatening brain tumor, we made immediate plans to fly from Santa Fe, New Mexico, where we were living, to New York. Santa Fe is blessed with beautiful blue skies, clean air, cultural richness, but when you are facing a medical crisis you look for the largest pool of medical experts you can find.

Word spread quickly that the unimaginable had struck our family, and we began receiving calls, cards, and visits from friends who were in shock. Of course they wanted to help, but most arrived without a clue about what was really needed. They offered tears, hugs, and a lot of words as if chatter could make it go away. One friend who was a teacher came in the house, burst into tears, sat down and began to list all the services that schools offered for disabled children. If Nathan ended up blind, there was this program. If he ended up mentally impaired, there was another program. The list of horrible “ifs” was endless, each with its own program that we should be grateful for. This was forty years ago, and it still upsets me to remember. I wish I had been able to turn her off, to say, “This is not helping. Please stop,” but in that state of deepest vulnerability it is hard to muster those self-defense mechanisms.

And just for the record, the other kinds of offerings that are not helpful include:

Pointing out that it could be so much worse, because in that moment it cannot be;
Proposing that perhaps this is part of the grand scheme and that there is a silver lining somewhere, that this is a wonderful lesson in something that will become clear to us some day;
And a variation on this theme, above, suggesting that Nathan’s tumor is part of his past lives legacy, that this is what he “needs” to experience, to endure. (This is where I am glad that I don’t own a gun….)

Many came with food which I think is probably a good idea if there are extra people around, relatives who have come from elsewhere. But we were alone and it felt like a burden to have to thank, then store, then eat, then wash the dish, remember who brought it, return it and say thank you again. I understand that people want to do something, and feeding is so basic. I appreciated the effort, but would have appreciated it more if the containers had been cardboard cartons, foil packages or ziplock bags. Then we could just say thank you, store it and eat it. The end.

Parents of Nathan’s friends came with particular angst. What if their child had a brain tumor? What if little Jenny or Billy were one in 300,000 like Nathan? And after waiting what I’m sure they considered a decent amount of time, the subject inevitably came around to those early symptoms of the brain tumor. What did we first notice? And when I said that his eye was wandering and we took him to the eye doctor, I could see their panic as they wondered how soon they could get an appointment. I hated that moment.

I also felt branded in some way, almost like a pariah. People were drawn to me for good reasons of wanting to help, but they were also repulsed, terrified by the reality that this unimaginable had struck someone so close to home. I was that embodiment. I was everyone’s worst nightmare, which is not an easy role to play.

And then there was Andy. She appeared at the door with a small plastic bag. Her face was stricken. She didn’t need to say anything. I knew she knew and she was devastated. She didn’t ask to come in, and I didn’t invite her in, just being too raw and exhausted. She handed me the bag and said, “This is all I could think of. It’s a bottle of Valium and my American Express card.” I melted. There was something so sensitive, so practical, so direct and simple about this expression. She didn’t need to say or do anything else. We hardly ever see each other anymore, but when I do, I remember that moment when she appeared and offered what she could, with few words and a lot of love.

5 Reasons Meal Kits Make a Great Gift for an Adoptive New Mom

Casting about for baby gifts for a pal of mine who was adopting a child to add to her brood, I started thinking hard about meal kits. She had plenty of clothes – and all the gear in the world.

I started considering whether or not a meal kit is just the ticket for a new mom.

Rather than guess at it, I decided to try it myself. I had to remember what it really felt like to have a new addition – a whole new personality joining a growing family at various ages and stages – from coupledom to first child and beyond. Admittedly, remembering these precious times was one of the greatest things about this experiment.

The takeaway: I have learned that services like Blue Apron may very well be a game changer for a growing family.

These are the top five reasons a meal kit is a great gift for an adoptive family:

Cooking without the hassle. Meals lovingly prepared by others in the early days can be just the ticket. But quite soon, one starts to run out of freezer space. Meals provided are of (ahem) variable quality and (often) similar content. Some things freeze better than others. When my children were new to me, I liked being up and around as soon as possible – at least within my house. It made me feel more together than I actually was. This meant that I liked filling my home with delicious smells whenever possible, attempting some sense of normalcy. Meal kits allow for this to conveniently occur.
No planning. In the throes of sleep deprivation, I wanted to just be directed about what to do. Meal planning was a challenge for sure. When a meal kit shows up there is no choice. You cook what you are sent. It is strangely empowering and oddly relaxing. It allows for bonding to occur along side meal prep and music.
No shopping. The worst thing to me about cooking with children is taking them to the grocery store. I always end up spending more than I would with my kids in tow than I do alone. I hate that they sell toys, and there is candy at every checkout. I found shopping to be an interruption to my day and was not always in a space to interact with friends and neighbors as the intensity of bonding was primal. And the germs – even after wiping a cart down with antiseptic, the whole experience still felt like a cold waiting to happen. Meal kit = no shopping.
No shopping part II. Meal kits are great gifts for a working parent. The work/life balance (whatever that means) is a real struggle. The road from work to home is longer where there are errands. Errands can make a parent weep. A waiting meal kit simplifies. No figuring out what to buy, what to make. It’s just there. Follow the directions – boom!
Breaks up cooking monotony. Some find meal kits slightly tyrannical because what if you don’t like what is on the menu? (Note: you can set some food preferences). For example, I am not a fan of potato salad but last week I made, if I do say so myself, a pretty good one. The meal kits contain quality ingredients – clean meat and wild caught fish. A meal kit challenges me to do myself what I require of my kids – try new food. The flip side of the apparent rigidity of a meal kit is that it is a decision made for you. This can be so nice. (Parents make decisions all day long – this is a set recipe with directions to follow).

I’m not sure what is on the menu for today but I eagerly await my delivery.

When you sign a new mom pal up, make sure to know her food preferences. Or, send her a gift certificate so that she can just go ahead and set her own preferences. There may be days of the week that are better for her than others.

Go ahead and send along some disposable plates, flatware and the rest too, especially for those earliest days when visitors may be helping with the cooking (but not so much the dishes).

If Amazon Prime is an option throw that in to pretty much guarantee there’s no need to shop again for a while.

(Some meal plans even deliver paired wine to accompany meals. And that is a double yum for many).

I’m Talking Honestly About Chronic Pain & I’m Not Fine

Give InKind is proud to feature Sarah Dillingham. If you are dealing with chronic hand pain, please check out our helpful directory on the Grace & Able website and join us over in the Living with Hand Pain community.

I’m fine.

One of the most puzzling things about people with chronic illness is that we often tell people that we’re fine when we’re not.

I have rheumatoid disease (aka rheumatoid arthritis). It is an autoimmune condition where my immune system attacks my own body, especially my joints.

This is about as much fun as it sounds. Imagine someone slowly trying to pull your fingers off of your hands or prise your knee apart with a screwdriver and you’ll get the idea.

I’m in pain every day. Yet whenever anyone asks me how I’m doing, I automatically say ‘I’m fine thanks!’.

So what’s going on?

When it’s just a social nicety

Let’s be honest. Most of the time when an acquaintance asks ‘how are you?’ they don’t really care about the answer. They are expecting to hear ‘good, how are you?’

I’ve made the mistake of answering this question honestly. I see their eyes glaze over as they start scanning the room for an escape route.

If it’s someone I don’t know very well, I stick with ‘I’m fine.’ and move the conversation along.

When I’m having too much fun to talk about miserable things

Chronic illness is exhausting, which means I don’t get to socialize as much as I like.

When I’m out and about seeing friends, I want to make the most of my precious socializing time.

Sometimes, the last thing I want to talk about is my health.

So even though my friends are asking because they genuinely care, I may respond with an ‘I’m fine’. I’d rather use my precious socializing time to take a day off of thinking and talking about my illness to focus on something else.

When an honest answer could be used as ammunition

Disclosing your health condition at work is a very personal decision.

While many colleagues are understanding and supportive, you may feel wary about disclosing too much, especially if you are in a competitive working environment.

Keeping healthy boundaries and being thoughtful about who you disclose to is sensible.

When colleagues ask, ‘I’m fine’ can be the most appropriate answer.

When chronic pain is chronic

There is no cure for rheumatoid disease.

Medication and home management slow the progress of the condition, but it doesn’t stop it. It’s a lifelong condition.

I’m very conscious about wearing out other people’s sympathy. I don’t want to bore my friends and family by talking about my health 24 / 7.

I save my ‘I’m not fine’ moments for when I really need their support.

When we’re just about holding it together

Sometimes I say ‘I’m fine’ because if I started talking about how hard it is I would collapse in a puddle of tears.

And nobody wants to do that in the middle of Costco.

These are the times when you may need to lean on your friends, family or whatever support system you have. Don’t struggle alone if you don’t have to.

What to do when you’re not fine

Chronic illness is tough.

There’s no shame in reaching out for support.

Accessing the support you need, when you need it is crucial.

If you can’t talk with your friends or family, please consider finding support via your medical provider, a charity or one of the many incredible online patient communities.

We all need spaces to vent, share, support and have the occasional laugh.

If you are dealing with chronic hand pain, please check out our helpful directory on the Grace & Able website and join us over in the Living with Hand Pain community.

If you are in crisis, please call The National Suicide Prevention hotline on 1-800-273-8255.

3 Things Not to Say to Someone with Chronic Illness

Living with a chronic illness is challenging. Chronic illnesses are often misunderstood. Unwanted advice and comments can be hurtful, even when they are well-intentioned.

If you have a friend or family member with a chronic illness, here are some phrases you may want to avoid.

“You don’t look sick.”

What does sick look like?

Is it someone in bed with the flu?

Or someone hobbling around in a plaster cast with a broken leg?

What happens when you don’t fit into one of those boxes?

We all know what to do and say when someone has an injury or an illness that they are going to recover from.

But chronic illness conditions are different. People are not going to recover. They may have periods of remission and flares where the severity of their symptoms vary.

Invisible illnesses are not always obvious to the untrained eye – which is why they are often called invisible illnesses.

When you only see someone out and about on a ‘good’ day, it’s easy to assume that they are 100% healthy. You don’t see the level of effort it takes to get out of the house.

You might think that ‘You don’t look sick’ is a compliment.

But it can also imply faking.

The irony is that people with chronic illnesses are often faking being well.

“Have you tried….?”

Yes, I’ve tried yoga. And turmeric. And paleo. And acupuncture, osteopathy, copper bangles and cherry juice.

I’d sit in a bathtub of beans if I thought it would fix my rheumatoid disease (it doesn’t by the way, so don’t try it at home).

Often this advice is very well-meant. When someone makes a suggestion I’ll assume positive intent. I’ll reply ‘Thanks I’ll look into it’.

Things become awkward when someone won’t let it go (‘ah yes but did you *really* do keto?’).

Sometimes there is a strong implication that I’m lazy or actively choosing to be unwell.

Unless you have access to somebody’s medical records, any suggestions you make are exactly that – suggestions.

If someone doesn’t want to take your health advice on board, leave them be. They may have tried it before or it may simply not be right for them.

“At least it’s not cancer”

No. It’s not cancer. But it still sucks.

There’s something deeply unpleasant about this comment. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out why.

My theory is that it implies that cancer – and only cancer – is the benchmark of a ‘serious’ health condition.

The implication is ‘Why are you making such a fuss? It’s not like you’ve got cancer!’

It’s a passive-aggressive, dismissive and belittling thing to say.

It’s strange too because we don’t say ‘oh well at least you haven’t got cancer’ to people with the flu or with a broken leg.

We say ‘I’m sorry to hear you’re dealing with that.’

So what should you say?

Listening goes a long way. As do understanding and empathy.

If you are not sure what to say, try asking ‘How can I help?’ .

You might be surprised by the answer.

Grieving Together: Power of Actions & Power of Words

Gratitude to Scarlett Lewis who lost her six-year old son Jesse at Sandy Hook Elementary School. She went on to found the Jesse Lewis Choose Love Foundation.

We have many chances to learn that crises, as well as joyful events of all kinds, bring out our best human traits. Our impulse is toward empathy, creative innovation, resourcefulness, and support. Human beings are literally humans being – courageous, together, empowered to effect change. These things spring out of us with surprising energy.

When a healthy baby is born, we rejoice. Upon hearing of a family coping with end-of-life issues, we find ourselves wanting to reach out. There is a primal communal response to need of all kinds. Our challenge is to channel this need effectively and well.

jesse3 — Jesse Lewis’ handwriting upon a chalkboard. His mother would discover it after he died at Newtown.

Sometimes we don’t know the best way to help someone whose life matters to us. We fumble even as we aim. We wish to do whatever little or great thing we can to help those who need help.

Where a need is associated with illness or loss, we struggle with varying degrees of taboo. We are sometimes tripped up in much larger social prohibitions that define how we talk specifically (or don’t) about illness, death, and the general topic of loss.

Here is where it might be helpful for us to reframe such opportunities: they offer us a chance for communication to be bolstered. In asking for help, those who need it find themselves typically humbled by the response. Those with the opportunity to give get to feel like their best selves. Great honor touches both aspirations.

Opportunities to teach others about the profound experiences in life by instructing about what is actually useful creates a ripple effect. You want to help? This is how. Do this.

We are lucky to be given a chance to see our own place in time. We are fortunate to be given opportunities to take stock of our lives as we live them. By giving in our lives, we tap into our vulnerabilities while also seeing the goodness of small acts.

scarlettjesse — Jesse and Scarlett Lewis.

As we live together we both rejoice and mourn together. We express ourselves. The connective tissue that connects us is nurtured and developed – almost like a predictive muscle memory. Participating in mourning rituals or coming to a hospital bedside to hope for recovery, we face down our most powerful fears about sickness and death. For those giving, these efforts come before personal experiences of death or illness.

In love, we find ourselves human and connected, while in loss, we honor the essence of those we love while lacking their presence. The fright can reduce us all to questioning. Yet by forming a chain from birth to death, to live communally around the things we cannot see, we all benefit. We have memories as snapshots.

When the Newtown shooting took place in Connecticut in December of 2012, profound shock and mourning gave way to the human desire to help. Strangers from around the world flooded Newtown with presents. Hundreds of thousands of teddy bears, bikes, and art supplies filled warehouses.

Which makes it clear why those teddy bears mattered after a mass shooting, the efficacy of which some have questioned. Scarlett Lewis, whose son Jesse died in Newtown’s first-grade classroom, recalls being deeply touched by these efforts to help. Speaking to Give InKind, Lewis encourages people in crisis to start at the point of openness, offering this advice:

“Allow people to help you. Open yourself up to allow people to help. Start here. They are helping themselves by helping others. Try not to be someone who says no. We are all just here to help one another.”

Or as the poet William Blake wrote: “And we are put on this earth a littler space that we might learn to bear the beams of love.” In both love and loss, we learn better how to grow and grieve and give. In dying or illness, we learn to receive and take comfort, and in this way, only together, can we learn to bear all the many beams of love.

Photos courtesy of Scarlett Lewis. Used with Permission.

I Want to Help But Babies Freak Me Out: How To Visit New Parents

Give In Kind is honored to feature Molly Tallon, a birth doula.

When your good friends become parents, you want to be there for them, remain in their lives as part of their village. But if you are honest, babies kind of freak you out. You have no experience with diapers, or strollers, or what the deal is with the “no soft cheese” rule. You don’t want to grow apart, loose them to parenthood.What do you do besides send them something on their registry?

Here is a guide to being an all-star friend, yet remaining in your comfort zone:

DO: Bring or send food! Preferably dinner, and preferably on the early evening side. If you are making it, bring it over in disposable containers or ones that you don’t care about getting back anytime soon, because they have a baby and they don’t have bandwidth for that. Take-out or delivery is also a huge treat! Obviously always take dietary restrictions into account!

DON’T assume you are staying for dinner. If you deliver it yourself, either drop it off on the porch and run away sending a text letting them know their meal waiting for them on the porch, or come in – quietly – bring the meal to the table or the kitchen. Give a hug, a wave, or a high-five, tell them how cute their baby is, tell them they look amazing.

DO Complete some kind of household chore without being asked:

“I’m taking out your trash and recycling on my way out.”

“I’m going to take Rover on a walk, be back soon!”

“I’m going to switch the laundry and fold this batch, just tell me where everything goes!”

“What day do your cans go out on the street? I’ll come over and make sure it’s done.”

DO run errands for them without being asked:

“Hey, I’m at the drug store, I was thinking of you, what can I grab you? Anything?”

“Hey, I’m at the grocery store, what can I bring you?”

“Grabbing lunch at our favorite spot, I’m going to bring over your favorite salad, be there in 30 minutes!”

Here is the tricky part, they will say “No, that’s okay, you don’t have to…” But do it anyway!

My personal favorite: The Ninja Clean: When using the bathroom do a quick, wipe down of the shower, sink and toilet. Take out he garbage, fold the towels, organize the counter top. This will make their day, they will remember it, probably forever.

DO bring or send an accompanying beverage with the meal. Beer, wine, vodka, iced tea, chocolate milk etc.

DO include a snack of some kind: trail mix, popcorn, granola bars, cheese sticks or your famous homemade oatmeal cookies. New parents often only have a few minutes (or seconds) at a time to nourish themselves – and maybe only one hand to do it – so anything filling and delicious that requires no prep is so useful.

DON’T offer any advice. From the moment they announced pregnancy they have heard every single variation of advice and horror story from feeding, to epidurals to sleeping or bowel movements. Unless directly asked, don’t tell them that “my cousin said that swaddling causes acid reflux” or that “you should never ice stitches according to ancient Chinese medicine.” They are just trying to survive the next five minutes, they don’t need something else to worry about.

DO tell them they are amazing parents already, and doing a great job. Because chances are, it’s true.

DON’T take it personally if you ask or offer to hold the baby and they “sorry, but no.” Newborns are happiest in the arms of their parents, and keeping their human contact to a minimum helps protect their brand new immune systems.

DO wash your hands before holding the baby. Do it without being prompted.”Great, let me go wash my hands.” Even if you believe strongly in microbiome seeding and think that hand washing is ridiculous, always offer to wash your hands. It shows that you care about their comfort and their baby’s safety before your own beliefs, and that makes a great friend.

DON’T take it personally if you don’t hear from them for a while, or if they are not so quick to answer texts, or they forget your birthday, or cancel at the last minute, or maybe just show up thirty minutes late for lunch. It’s really not you. It’s that becoming parent is world shifting. It’s often overwhelming, with all kinds of unexpected challenges. Be patient, be gracious.

DO listen. Sometimes new parents need someone to just listen to their story. This is a gift. If your friend feels safe enough to open up to you about a particular issue affecting them and their new family… you are trusted. Listen with an open mind and heart without judgement. Sometimes they don’t need advice, they just need someone to listen and hug and tell them that it’s going to be okay, even if you aren’t sure it is.

DO remind them that even though they have a baby and things have changed, you’ll always be there for them.

Things Your Aging Loved One Needs: Top Ten Eldercare Items

For older people, managing the challenge of self-care is a delicate balance. Many geriatric patients are hesitant to ask for or accept financial assistance from friends or family. They worry that they might burden those they love, knowing that those upon whom they rely have their own obligations.

“You’d be surprised. I have elderly patients sign out against medical advice because there is no one to feed their dog. They come back later, half dead. They risk their lives because there is no one who thinks to help with their pets.”

This coming from Andrew Wilson, M.D., an ER doc in a rural hospital. He speaks without judgment, from a place of compassion. Dr. Wilson reminds us that even those with insurance are not always fully covered. For someone living on a fixed income, even having 80% of these costs covered may still not be enough.

Give InKind asked Dr. Wilson to identify ten things elderly people often need but don’t always get. Sometimes these needs can fall through the cracks, so take this as a checklist and check in with a loved one.

Pet care – Elderly patients living alone often need help with their pets. Those wishing to assist such a patient would do well to check in with them about pet care and make the necessary arrangements for care, boarding, feeding, etc.
Dental Care – Dental insurance is not comprehensive and access to care is often very limited. As people age and dental care becomes a greater concern. Pain and discomfort is a common complaint among geriatrics. Look to help out with that. Ask about the dental care they are able to access and see whether you can help to provide that.
Colostomy care supplies – These very necessary items are not always covered by insurance.
Wound care – This is especially relevant for patients with diabetes. Foot care items for someone with diabetes can be healing. They are, however, expensive and sometimes out of reach for patients with a limited income.
Rides to and from medical appointments. Cab rides are a significant expense, especially if the need arises regularly. Check whether services like Lyft and Uber operate near you.
Train tickets to medical experts. For people with unusual cancers or who require specialized care, living in a rural area can present a challenge. For older patients, a local expert might not be available and the care they need might be located in a city several hours away. Older people people may no longer feel comfortable about driving long distances or maneuvering urban landscapes. Arranging help with transportation and accommodation is well worth it.
Eyewear – It is no secret that prescriptions for many elderly people are out of date. In an effort to save money, many will not replace glasses when they break, opting instead to fix them with tape. Take a loved one to a doctor and make sure their visual needs are taken care of. Offer them a gift card to Target so that they can go and purchase items for eye care – such as eye drops, readers, etc.
Tablets – Many geriatrics enjoy reading books but can no longer see the print. Tablets have settings that allow readers to adjust font size.
Orthotics. Make sure orthotics fit well. Geriatric falls are commonplace and are often the result of ill-fitting footwear or poorly made orthotics. Take your loved one for a pedicure to ensure feet and nails are taken care of properly. Falls are a common reason for hip breakage and could be the result of a poor gait.
Hearing Aid Batteries – These batteries can be budget busters for someone on a fixed income. Make sure to check whether a loved one has an adequate number of these batteries on hand. Life can be depressing and unnecessarily difficult if you can’t hear properly, and plus, people are safer if they hear can well.