Tara Shafer, Author at Give InKind

How To Build a Give InKind Page for a Military Support

Give InKind’s Care Calendar helps answer the central question of how to give or receive support. In this case, we look at how to set up a support page for a military family. Remember that the necessary support will depend on the individual circumstances of a specific family. This guide is intended only to frame ideas in broad strokes and to demonstrate the flexibility of the Give InKind Care Calendar.

Getting Started

Begin by understanding the type of help that is needed. Is a family being moved to a different military base? Is a parent active-duty service person being deployed overseas? Is an active duty combatant returning home after a deployment? Are there children in the family unit? Start by sitting down and talking either to a member of the recipient family or to a person close to them. Once a situation has been defined, a care calendar can be created and shared. Remember that pages can reflect all situations – from supporting a state-side parent to supporting a returning veteran – and everything in between. (Take a look at a Sample Give InKind Support Page for a Military Family.)

Care Calendar

Managing the unique challenges of military families takes a village. Add as many items to the Care Calendar as necessary. These items can be customized and are pertinent to the logistics of moving, to managing a household without a partner present for long periods, or to the reality of life after combat injury. Military parents sometimes comment that no matter how many “fun days” and military discounts exist, that the specific worries and concerns they face can be challenging given the immediate relevance of world affairs on their lives.

Food: If an active duty military parent is deployed, the parent at home will need some extra help. Meals and groceries are always tremendously helpful. Gift cards, in particular, are helpful – they mean a stop for dinner after baseball practice. (No shopping, no dishes.) In providing a little extra food love, remember to consider food allergies, preferences, etc.
Childcare: If there are children to consider, you can easily build that into the Care Calendar. Offering to take someone to something enables a parent at home to catch up on things there. For non-military families who befriend military families, take the time to understand how the rhythm of their family life differs from that of civilian life. Find the ways that you are positioned to be most helpful – and offer to step in.
Pet Care: Are there pets to care for? If so, see how to address this need.
Home Services: Add calendar events for things that a parent may not know how to do, or who would not be able to do without someone else there. We are talking about removing leaves from gutters, helping to identify services they may not have needed before arriving in a new region (snow removal).
Other: “Other” is the ultimate catch-all category. This is a great way to create opportunities for connections. Plan a drinks-on-the-front-porch party. Designate an evening to a Ladies Night video call for mom.

Fundraising

The fundraising section can be beneficial for unexpected expenses. Ask whether extra cash would be useful. If there is such a need, simply enable the fundraising button on your Give InKind page and connect your PayPal or GoFundMe account.

Wishlist

The Give InKind Wishlist is another opportunity for others to meaningfully support a quarantined family with a new baby. Browse Give InKind’s curated list for suggested items. When you see an item that could be helpful, use the “+” icon to add to your Wishlist.

You may also add an existing Amazon Wishlist to your Give InKind page for items that may be leftover from their registry.

Communication Preferences

Use Give InKind’s do-not-disturb section to let others know about the family’s communication preferences. Keep in mind that these preferences can be easily turned on or off as a situation changes.

Phone Calls: How do the parents like to communicate – a phone call or text? Do they love FaceTime or WhatsApp? (Note: Make sure their phone plans cover as much digital as possible as they do not want to drop a call from a loved one overseas.)
Visitors: Depending upon the situation, visitors may be great helpers, childcare providers, etc. (Whether or not you enable this option will depend upon the situation.)
Flowers: Whether you enable this option will depend upon the specific situation. If a family is packing to move? No. If an enlisted person is returning home? Possibly. Consider the situation and then decide whether it makes sense to ask your recipient.

Updates

Add unlimited updates to keep friends and family informed. This is a great place for a designated page manager to keep family and friends up to date or for the recipient to “blog” or “journal” their experience if they wish to do so. A family that has been given a new base assignment or living arrangement can send pictures of their journey. Or, a stateside parent may use updates to ask for specific kinds of support (last-minute Halloween target run, hot glue refill sticks). Add as many updates as you or the parents like to keep friends and family up to date. Create your Give InKind Support Page here.

If you have any further questions, visit Give InKind’s Help Center or view our helpful articles about support for our military families.

How To Build A Give InKind Page for Someone With a New Baby

Give InKind’s Care Calendar helps answer the central question of how to give or receive support. In this case, how to set up a support page for yourself, a friend, or a family member who has a newborn baby.

Getting Started

Begin by identifying a close friend or family member who is able to sit down with both parents to understand schedules, food preferences, and anything else that may make their situation easier. The so-called Fourth trimester is a challenging, beautiful, complicated time. In offering help, you are letting parents know that you understand this to be the case. Make sure to validate their actual experience with the challenges and all – it’s normal. If a new parent shares that s/he is overwhelmed, remind of a time when you were too. Create a channel of communication that rests on love – with no judgment. (Take a look at a Sample Give InKind Support Page for a Family Welcoming a Newborn.)

Care Calendar

For parents of a newborn, the opportunity to bond without distraction is a gift. Add as many items to the Care Calendar as necessary to enable them to bond with their baby. In helping to coordinate help, you are demonstrating the village in action. You are showing parents that while they may feel unsure as to whether they can do this, you know that they can.

Food: Meals and groceries for the family are always among the most popular calendar items. This is especially true for new parents. Being fed is being loved. TIP: Many remember new parenthood as a blur. That said, most can remember the best meal they received. (One Give InKind staff member received a complete meal in a picnic basket with cutlery rolled in napkins and candles to light.) Do the parents have any dietary restrictions? If the mom is learning to nurse, be mindful of any ingredients that might impact lactation. Is anyone allergic to anything? Do they prefer home-cooked, takeout, and/or frozen meals?
Childcare: If there are older children to consider, you can easily build that into the Care Calendar. It is always nice to celebrate the singular role of older children as their place in the family shifts. Offering to take an older sibling to the playground or for ice-cream allows parents to focus on the new baby – and maybe for them to take a quick nap.
Pet Care: Are there pets to care for? Arrange daily dog walks.
Home Services: Add calendar events for tasks like housecleaning while they’re at the pediatrician for a check-up or schedule a weekly laundry wash and fold session. Depending on the comfort level, you can either pick up their laundry or do it in their home while visiting with them. Remember, on your way out go ahead and grab the garbage ninja-clean style. When a baby is actually mobile, help them to install safety gear.
Other: “Other” is the ultimate catch-all category. This is a great way to create opportunities for connections. If a new mom is learning to nurse, check in with her about that. Remind her that many women find it stressful and painful. See whether she could use any support, and remind her that fed is best. Designate an evening to a Ladies Night video call for mom, or a recurring day for Friends and Family video call.

Fundraising

The fundraising section can be beneficial for unexpected expenses. Ask whether extra cash would be useful. If there is such a need, simply enable the fundraising button on your InKind page and connect your PayPal or GoFundMe account.

Wishlist

You may also add an existing Amazon Wishlist to your InKind page for items that may be leftover from their registry.

Communication Preferences

Phone Calls: How do the parents like to communicate – a phone call or text? With a new baby, it can be impossible to know when the baby is sleeping. Parents may not be available to talk on the phone, but do appreciate texts.
Visitors: Ask parents about their level of comfort with visitors. A home with a newborn is a universe unto itself. Parents may welcome visitors – but make sure to define parameters and create definite boundaries.
Flowers: Flowers can be great to brighten up a home. In this case, they may not the most important thing, but they are still very lovely and certainly worth considering.

Updates

Add unlimited updates to keep friends and family informed. This is a great place for a designated page manager to keep family and friends up to date or for the recipient to “blog” or “journal” their experience if they wish to do so. We know that with a newborn, they’re changing every day. Add as many updates as you or the parents like to keep friends and family up to date. Create your InKind Support Page here.

If you have any further questions, visit Give InKind’s Help Center or view our helpful articles about new babies.

How To Build A Give InKind Page for Someone Coping With the Loss of a Parent

Give InKind’s support pages offer assistance to those wanting to know how to be helpful to a loved one in a time of need. Here, we consider how to set up a Give InKind page for someone who has recently experienced the loss of a parent.

Getting Started

The loss of a parent is a seismic shift in the life of an individual – and forever alters the composition of a family. The immediate needs of a family will vary in the aftermath. Always begin with loving expressions of support. The immediate needs of a family will depend upon a myriad of things, including whether there are young children, whether there is accrued medical debt, issues related to settling an estate, or planning a funeral. (See a sample Give InKind Support Page for Someone Experiencing the loss of a parent.)

Care Calendar

The family situation of the person experiencing the loss of a parent is a good place to begin. If the parent who has died has minor child/ren, planning for their care is important. If the parent was older, consider their adult children. Be mindful of the fact that an adult child may have been extremely close to the parent. For this reason, the fact that the survivor is an adult does not negate their need for continuing support (both tangible and intangible). If the circumstances of the death were sudden and unexpected, consider the layer of trauma that will likely accompany the mourning process. If the death was expected, the actual event itself is always shocking. Listen well. Use the Care Calendar to add as many actionable items that are needed to help provide care.

Food: Meals and groceries are always the first items to be claimed on any calendar. Providing food to families is immensely helpful. If prepared meals are not an option think about setting up a Gift Card Train that includes options for takeout so that family and friends have flexibility as to how and when they use them.
Childcare: (If applicable) If the deceased parent leaves young children, prioritize their care. Consider turning on privacy settings for the calendar. Children who are experiencing trauma may not be comfortable being entertained by people they don’t know well, so consider whether you are best placed to offer this service (with thanks.)
Adult/Senior Care: If the deceased parent was also a member of the “Sandwich Generation” and had aging parents, it is necessary to consider them as well. Check to be sure that their prescription refills are current, that they can worship as they wish, and that they receive necessary assistance with groceries or medical appointments.
Pet Care: (If applicable) Are there pets to care for? It may be helpful to make arrangements for necessary dog walks, feedings, or pet-sitting.
Home Services: Use this category for any home services that they may feel like too much. If the death of a parent has created a lot of traffic in the home, consider sending a housecleaning service. Consider laundry services, yard work, etc.
Other: “Other” is the ultimate catch-all category. This is a great way to create opportunities for connection. This is a good time to reflect on the survivor as an individual. This is a good time to consider the things they find comforting. If they love music, create an item to send a Spotify playlist. If they love to binge-watch series to get out of their heads, Hulu can provide a welcome respite from shouldering the exhaustion of grief. If they need some support while visiting an estate attorney, offer to accompany them.

Fundraising

People will have different financial circumstances. Make sure to identify a person who will be able to ask about this in a gentle and non-judgmental manner. Are there funeral expenses? Is there an accrued medical debt? If there is such a need, simply enable the fundraising button on your Give InKind page and connect your PayPal and/or GoFundMe account.

Wishlist

The Give InKind Wishlist is another opportunity for others to meaningfully support a person in need of a little extra help. Browse Give InKind’s curated list for suggested items that could help in their unique situation. In addition to take-out, you can include other more non-traditional gift cards as well. When you see an item that could be helpful, use the “+” icon to add to their Wishlist.

You may also add an existing Amazon Wishlist to your Give InKind page.

Communication Preferences

Use Give InKind’s do-not-disturb section to let others know about the recipient’s communication preferences. Keep in mind that these preferences can be easily adjusted as the situation changes.

Phone Calls: Does the recipient want to communicate with others? If so, what is the best way for others to reach out – a phone call or text? Many people appreciate expressions of support even if they can’t respond immediately. Texts and cards are really nice.
Visitors: Does the recipient want visitors? If so, when?
Flowers: Is the recipient open to receiving flowers? Check to see whether they have enabled this offering on their Give InKind page. Some families prefer a donation in honor of their loved one in lieu of flowers. (But, to be honest, few object to a bouquet expressing love.)

Updates

There is no one response to grief. The parent/child relationship is as primal as it gets. Making sure to spend time – and mindfully finding ways to demonstrate continued presence is always appreciated. The bereaved may not always be available to respond at the moment – but know that efforts to show support matter a great deal. Create your Give InKind Support Page here.

If you have any further questions, visit Give InKind’s Help Center or view our helpful articles about how to someone coping with the loss of a parent.

How To Build A Give InKind Page for Disenfranchised Grief & Loss

At Give InKind, we understand that life is messy and that not all grief fits conveniently into a box. Our Care Calendar is designed to reflect that fact. For example, grown children estranged from their family of origin will tend to find “proxy” parents. When these people die, the quasi-“adoptee” is not listed in an obituary as a survivor. These “Ambiguous losses” (the end of the line for fertility treatments, a child in foster care is returned to a family of origin, the loss of a close friend, or the loss of a beloved pet) – each of these is deeply painful. These are but a few examples of traumatic life experiences that do not neatly fall into one category. Here, we consider how to set up a more general (but effective) Give InKind page for someone who is grieving in a void for which there is little formal recognition.

Getting Started

When you see someone struggling with grief or loss for which no greeting cards exist beyond a generic “thinking of you,” it can be hard to know what to do. It can be hard to know whether validating their experience is actually helpful or overreach. Begin by validating the difficulty of their experience and your wish to help. At Give InKind, we remind that loving expressions of concern are incredibly powerful. One can gauge how much formal help people are comfortable accepting by asking. Making sure to validate the collateral casualties when life is messy makes the experience of grief less lonely. (See a sample Give InKind Support Page for Someone Coping with grief or loss in Need of a Little Extra.)

Care Calendar

Demonstrate a general knowledge of the situation at hand. Grieving a loss – either by death, or separation, or the end of the journey that did not produce the longed-for goal – is hard work. That said, people still need basics. Depending upon the specific situation, consider the areas of life that might become harder. Is childcare extra painful because a beloved stepchild is no longer present in a home? In many circumstances, the support needed will be around simple validation. Create little acts of kindness – as a recipient reinvents their place in a landscape where their role may have been less formal. Or, where the loss is not death, necessarily, but where a role has shifted. Use the Care Calendar to add as many actionable items that are needed to help provide care.

Food: Meals and groceries are always among the most popular calendar items. Providing food feeds souls. A drop-by home-cooked meal may make it easier for a foster parent when a foster child has been removed from a foster family. People may or may not be up for receiving visitors, but it is appropriate to ask. If prepared meals are not an option (too many variables) think about setting up a Gift Card Train that includes options for takeout so that a recipient has flexibility as to how and when they use the cards.
Childcare: (If applicable) If a situation is one in which children present, step in to make some fun – or create a diversion.
Adult/Senior Care: See whether there are any needs required by aging loved ones. Generational understanding of what loss and validating loss varies. If you think your recipient might be accidentally invalidated when discharging duties to those they want to help, lighten their load for a bit and give them some protective coverage.
Pet Care: (If applicable) Are there pets to care for? Make sure to check in on this point.
Home Services: From maintenance appointments to helping with chores around the house, use this category for any home services, such as scheduled maintenance, and yard work. It’s hard to process complex grief or loss in a vacuum. It’s easy to let things go a bit.
Other: “Other” is the ultimate catch-all category. This is a great way to create opportunities for connection that can sometimes get lost. This is especially true when the recipient is not always included in assistance to 1. a more traditionally supported group (the family of origin of someone struggling/who is ill/who has died, or 2. where a loss cuts deep – but there it hides in the crevices of loss, confusion, or sadness – for example, the death of a beloved service dog for a child on the autism spectrum. For things like this, text a lot. Be in touch. Create fun movie nights, drop off little gifts.

Fundraising

People will have different financial circumstances. Make sure to identify a person who will be able to ask about this in a gentle and non-judgmental manner. If there is such a need, simply enable the fundraising button on your Give InKind page and connect your PayPal and/or GoFundMe account.

Wishlist

You may also add an existing Amazon Wishlist to your Give InKind page.

Communication Preferences

Use Give InKind’s do-not-disturb section to let others know about the recipient’s communication preferences. Keep in mind that these preferences can be easily adjusted as the situation changes.

Phone Calls: What is the best way for others to reach out – a phone call or text? Asking about preferences lets them know they are being thought of even if they aren’t always up for talking. Many people appreciate expressions of support even if they can’t respond immediately.
Visitors: Does the recipient want visitors? If so, when?
Flowers: Is the recipient open to receiving flowers? Some people may welcome them. However, in this particular situation, they are not necessarily the thing that is most necessary.

Updates

Managing losses and life-altering sadnesses is made more difficult in the absence of validation. Simply letting someone know you understand they are struggling to understand is incredibly meaningful. Create your Give InKind Support Page here.

If you have any further questions, visit Give InKind’s Help Center or view our helpful articles about how to support someone coping with other kinds of loss/grief.

How To Build A Give InKind Page for Someone Facing a Mental Health Challenge

Getting Started

Despite efforts to address parity in mental health care law and policy, even the most well-intended people are sometimes uncertain about how to help. The stigma around mental health hangs on. The good news? The best way to defeat stigma is to discuss effective ways to help – and to reach for someone with love and understanding. We remind that mental health issues are 1. treatable, and 2. can be life-threatening. It is an act of love to step in. Those wishing to help should listen without judgment. (See a sample Give InKind Support Page for Someone Experiencing a Mental Health Issue).

Care Calendar

The family situation of the person experiencing a mental health issue is a good place to begin. Demonstrate a general knowledge of the diagnosis (depression, anxiety, etc.) If the person has child/ren, planning for their care is important. If the patient is, him or herself, a minor, consider siblings and their obligations. (As children with psychiatric illnesses reach puberty, more medical attention is sometimes necessary – treatments may include hospitalization.) Use the Care Calendar to add as many actionable items that are needed to help provide care. Remember that for those who wish to protect their privacy, any Give InKind page can be set to private – with the link being shared only to a select group.

Calendar Request Types

Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner: Meals are the most popular requests. Feeding families is immensely helpful in saving both time and money. People may or may not be up for receiving visitors, but it is appropriate to ask. If prepared meals are not an option for any reason, request gift cards to include options for takeout so that everyone has flexibility.
Groceries: Fulfill the family’s dietary needs outside meal times with groceries.
Childcare: If a parent is receiving treatment and there are children at home, consider their obligations. Try to keep a routine as much as possible. This is helpful to a parent because allowing their other children to continue with their interests matters a great deal as far as how they see themselves as parents.
Adult/Senior Care: If the patient has aging parents, consider them as well. Check that prescription refills are current, that they can worship as they wish, and that they receive necessary assistance with groceries or medical appointments.
Pet Care: Are there pets to care for? It may be helpful to make temporary arrangements for necessary dog walks, feedings, or pet-sitting.
Transportation: Recruit help transporting to and from appointments, and more.
Home Services: From maintenance appointments to helping with chores around the house, use this category for any home services that they may feel like too much. In particular, consider laundry services, house cleaning, etc.
Custom: The ultimate catch-all category. This is a great way to create opportunities for connection that can otherwise get lost in the shuffle of a crisis. “Custom” can be used for general support such as making sure that the person who needs support does things with people – that someone organizes a hike, that lines of communication with medical care providers are open, and the patient is being compliant with medication.

Announcements

To alert everyone to an important date that doesn’t necessarily require any sign up, use the Announcement option. Additionally, select an informative, heartfelt, or heads up theme to draw attention to your announcement.

Fundraising

People will have different financial circumstances. Make sure to identify a person who will be able to ask about this in a gentle and non-judgmental manner. Emphasize that you understand that their struggle is not a weakness, but a medical issue that needs attention. If there is such a need, simply enable the fundraising button on your Give InKind page and connect your PayPal, Venmo, CashApp accounts, or even a GoFundMe campaign.

Wishlist

You may also add an existing Amazon Wishlist to your Give InKind page.

Communication Preferences

Use Give InKind’s do-not-disturb section to let others know about the recipient’s communication preferences. Change these preferences as often as the situation evolves.

Phone Calls: Does the recipient want to communicate with others? If so, what is the best way for others to reach out – a phone call or text? Asking about preferences lets them know they are being thought of even if they aren’t always up for talking. Many people appreciate expressions of support even if they can’t respond immediately. Texts and cards are really nice. (Remember cell phone access is limited during hospitalization.)
Visitors: Does the recipient want visitors? If so, when?
Flowers: Is the recipient open to receiving flowers? Some people may welcome them. However, in this particular situation, they are not necessarily the thing that is most necessary.

Updates

Managing mental health challenges can be very isolating and frustrating. Many people who have the courage to seek treatment worry that they will be judged. In helping, you are affirming their dignity and letting them know that you respect their struggle and that you are on their team. Create your Give InKind Support Page here.

If you have any further questions, visit Give InKind’s Help Center or view our helpful articles about how to support someone coping with a mental health issue.

How To Set Up a Give InKind Page for Your Holiday Giving Drive

The holiday season is a time of celebration, giving, and making a difference in the lives of others. Give InKind’s support pages continue to provide avenues for people to show their support to individuals, families, and organizations. Together, we can bring hope and care to those in need.

As we enter into the holiday season, Give InKind’s free support pages can also help streamline non-profit organizations’ contactless digital holiday drives. Choose from over 200 digital gift cards to add to your organization’s holiday gift card train.

Start Here

Give InKind can help you to identify the best gift card offerings for your organization and are on-hand to help you build a page in about five minutes. Why give your potential donors complicated instructions on where and how much to buy gift cards for when you could just provide a link (see a sample Holiday Gift Card Drive page here)? We believe that support should be simple.

How We Work to Help Support Your Goals

Build your Wishlist in minutes. You can curate your organization’s Holiday Gift Card Wishlist for the people you serve from our list of 200+ gift cards. When you see an item that could be helpful, use the “+” icon to add to your Wishlist. See some of our most requested and diverse gift cards here.
Have your fundraising and wishlist on one easy-to-use page. You can also share your direct link for donations on your Give InKind page, or connect a PayPal, Venmo, or CashApp account if you prefer to receive donations that way.
Receive no-contact donations. Collect and send digital gift cards this holiday season which can increase the number of donations, especially from non-local supporters. Give InKind gives you an easy way to receive gift cards from donors everywhere, making contributions in a few clicks.
Small acts of kindness can have a huge impact. A holiday gift card drive is a terrific way to cultivate young constituents not yet in a position to make a large cash donation. Small-dollar donors who see the benefit of their contribution are more easily engaged in the long term. This is a win/win/win for organizations, constituents, and donors looking to be impactful.

[block-quote attribution=”Why Small Donations Are Worth More Than You Think” justify=”left”]Generation Z, also known as “Philanthroteens,” are the upcoming generation of donors and are on track to be the most socially conscious generation to date. 32% of Gen Z donate their own money. This cohort is engaging through small donations and becoming peer-to-peer fundraisers. [/block-quote]

Many families are looking to count their blessing this year and to model the act of giving to their children. Gift card donations can enable age-appropriate conversations with kids about how to help those in need.
Easily keep a record of every donor. When someone purchases a gift card, their donation is delivered to you via email. You can then distribute gifts as you see fit.
Keep your followers up-to-date. Posting updates to your Give InKind page is a fantastic way to show the impact of people’s generosity. Gift cards translate to coats, books, toys, and gratitude. This is a great way to engage with donors. Continue to draw them in and build inroads for additional future and enhanced involvement.
Sharing is caring. Give InKind will be sharing organizations with active gift card drives on all of our marketing channels through the holidays. Let us help enhance your visibility to donors looking for organizations to support this year.
Your Give InKind page is free. There is no fee for using Give InKind and you receive 100% of donations.

Create your Give InKind Holiday Giving Drive Page here. If you have any further questions, visit Give InKind’s Help Center or contact us directly at [email protected].

An Excerpt on Pregnancy Loss from The Rural Diaries by Hilarie Burton Morgan

After the miscarriage I was surrounded by dead-baby flowers, dead-baby books, and lots of boxes of dead-baby tea. I felt like I was drowning in a dead-baby sea. My mother didn’t know how to help but knew that I needed her. She sent me a soft bathrobe and a teapot, and I wept for hours on the phone with her. Mostly, she listened as I sorted through all my thoughts and feelings. If I’m angry or upset about something, or even if I’m happy about something, it isn’t real until I articulate it. I need a narrative. I guess that’s something Jeff and I share. We both need a story to fit into. The Burton ability to turn misfortune into narrative is something I’m grateful I was taught. It helps me think, Well, okay, that’s just a funny story. You should hear my father talking about his mother and those damn forsythia bushes.

My sisters-in-law sent me lovely, heartfelt packages. Christina sent me teas and a journal and a letter I cherish. She included Cheryl Strayed’s book Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar. Christina is a mother. I felt like she understood the toll this sadness was taking on me, and she encouraged me to practice self-care. Jess gave me the book Reveal: A Secret Manual for Getting Spiritually Naked by Meggan Watterson and some other books about the divine feminine. She knew that there was nothing she could say, but everything she wanted to articulate was in those books. Jess has always had an almost psychic ability to understand my inner voice. She is quiet and attuned to what people are really saying rather than what they present to the world. I knew her book choices were deliberate, but I couldn’t read them for a while because they were dead-baby books.

If people weren’t giving me dead baby gifts, they wanted to tell me dead-baby stories. There’s nothing more frustrating than someone saying, “Well, welcome to the club. I’ve had twelve miscarriages.” It seemed like there was an unspoken competition between members of this fucked up sorority. I quickly realized this is a much bigger club than I knew and that everyone had stories and advice. And as much as I appreciated it, I had to find my own way.

Tara gave me a book called Vessels: A Love Story, by Daniel Raeburn, about his and his wife’s experience of a number of miscarriages. His book helped because I couldn’t wrap my head around Jeff’s side of the story, and he certainly wasn’t telling it to me. He was out in the garage until dinnertime every day. He would come in, eat, help Gus shower, and then disappear for the rest of the night.

I often read social media posts from coupes announcing, “Hey we miscarried but it brought us closer together.” I think it’s fair to say that miscarriage did not bring Jeffrey and me closer together. We were living in the same space but leading parallel lives. To be honest, most of the time we weren’t even living in the same space.

That spring The Good Wife was canceled. We had banked on that being a job Jeff would do for a couple of years, one that would keep him in New York City. Then he landed Negan on The Walking Dead, and suddenly he would be all the way down in Georgia for the next three to five years.

We were never going to have another child. It had been so hard to get pregnant. I felt like I was pulling teeth trying to coordinate dates when Jeff would be around and I’d be ovulating. It felt like every conversation was about having a baby.

He’d ask, “What do you want for dinner?”

I’d say, “A baby.”

“Hey, what do you want to do this weekend?”

I’d say, “Have a baby.”

We tried to fill the house with life. Right before Gus’s birthday in March, I came home to find a huge metal tub in our living room. “Surprise!” Jeff said.

“What the hell is this?” I asked. Peering down into the tub I spied two fluffy little creatures. One was clearly a duckling. The other?

“That little duck is sick,” Jeff explained. “Ed was gonna get rid of him, so I said I’d take him.” Taking a closer look, the second strange creature was indeed a duck, but its poor neck was bent at an unnatural angle such that its head seemed too heavy for its body. With its head constantly upside down, walking was out of the question. On top of that oddity, poor baby duck also had an outrageous tuft of thick black downy feathers on its head.

“What are we supposed to do with it?” It was just like Jeff to bring animals home without a solid game plan. “Is it gonna die?”

“I don’t know! I just wanted its last days to be pleasant.”

“Well what about the other one?”

“I wanted him to have a friend.” It was sweet. And also smelly and messy and a big pain my ass. But I couldn’t argue with where his heart was. That poor deformed baby could barely eat or drink. He just sat there with his buddy, drawing comfort.

I hit Google hard. Upside-down duckling head. Weak-neck duckling. Broken-looking-neck-duckling. After a bit of exploring, I hit pay dirt. “Babe,” I yelled from the living room. Jeff popped his head in from the outside.

“What?”

“It’s just a vitamin E deficiency! We can put it in its water.”

“Are you serious?” And with that, he was off to the drugstore.

Within a week, our sweet broken duck had a name – Norman, after his crazy hair that reminded Gus of the movie ParaNorman – and a tall straight neck. He could move around and eat and drink. It was a huge win for us. Life was precious. We had saved this little guy.

Jeff left for Georgia, and the ducks grew bigger and no longer fit in the container he’d brought them home in. So my beautiful new claw-foot tub became their home. Gus would invite friends over to see them swim in the tub and give them treats. Every single day I’d clean out the shavings and endless duck poop. It was hard not to see it as a metaphor: make something beautiful for the baby you thought you were gonna have and then watch it get shit all over. But, for what it was worth, I loved the ducks. Gus and I held them and stroked their glossy feathers.

Alice gave birth in April, a couple of days before Jeff’s birthday. Ed had told us that she would wander off on her own when she was ready. So one sunny Saturday when we didn’t see her out in the back pasture, we raced with Gus along the fence line until we found her. She rocked her body against the fence, scratching her butt and bearing down. We stood a distance off, not wanting to interfere with her process. And then, very quickly, without a sound, a huge sac dropped from her and Gus’s eyes went wide.

“What’s THAT?!?”

“That’s the baby, dude.” Alice went to work, licking the embryonic sac until her soggy, red-haired baby emerged. We stayed there, the three of us, for a long time. We stayed while Alice groomed her baby. We stayed as the baby slowly climbed up on its rickety new legs. We stayed until we got a good look and declared, “It’s a boy!”

“What are we naming him, Gus?”

There was no hesitation: “Alexander!”

It was springtime on Mischief Farm. Babies were everywhere. Baby chicks at the feed store. Baby dairy cows in the field. Baby bunnies and foxes in our woods. But the things I used to delight in now served as a reminder of how broken I felt. Jeff was home, but I was avoiding him. We didn’t know how to talk to each other. The things I needed to hear, he didn’t know how to say; and the things he needed me to be, I couldn’t be. We moved around the same spaces, but not together. He wouldn’t enter a room until I left it. I wouldn’t tell him where I was going; I’d just leave and hide out in the garden or in town. I was just a vessel, and I was empty. Any energy I did have was going to Gus; I had nothing left for Jeff.

I took a job for a few weeks filming a movie out of town. I needed that. With Gus at my side, we drove across the Canadian border to Montreal, where we didn’t think about the farm or babies. We practiced our French and went to museums and shows and relished being pedestrians. For three whole weeks, we were city people. Jeff was down in Georgia working. We couldn’t have been further apart.

Coming home in May, I hit the ground running. I couldn’t feel anything if I kept busy, so I became the most task-oriented person in town. The garden I planted at Samuel’s was overflowing with blooms. Gus’s class snacks were lavish Pinterest-worthy creations. My garden was incredibly tidy. All the little sprouts of weeds were targets for my suppressed emotions. Kill kill kill.

I worried Jeffrey. I knew I was a shell of myself. I knew that he could see it. So I avoided him.

He found me down in the garden one day. I had collected a heap of rocks that were left over from a landscaping project. Pulling them out, one by one from the back of the Rhino, I was laying a path through our large vegetable garden that would allow me easier access to our snap peas, beans, tomatoes, and cucumbers at the back of the garden. I’d pinched my hand between two large stones and blood caked my knuckles.

“Talk to me,” he said, hands shoved deep down in his pockets.

“What are you talking about? I’m fine.” I was angry. I’d wanted to talk months before. I’d wanted him to hold me in bed while I cried. I’d wanted him to not have been so difficult about getting pregnant in the first place. I’d wanted him not to disappear to go chop wood and then get resentful that I was doing the exact same thing. What’s good for the goose, right? I’d wanted him to know I was angry and then apologize. And these mantras of anger had been running around in my head for months. But then —

“I’m sorry,” he said.

Jeffrey had finally seen me. We talked about our grief. We talked about how we both left like failures. We talked about how lonely we were. Suddenly, standing there with his hands in his pockets, Jeffrey was a different person. He was incredibly vulnerable. He talked to me about how much he valued me and that this was him home and that was worth any fight.

And as we talked, he started helping me. He stood and went to get a whole bunch of rocks, laying pathways through the garden for me. Each path was a manifestation of what he was saying. We worked on this garden together.

Excerpted with permission from the book The Rural Diaries: Love, Livestock, and Big Life Lessons Down on Mischief Farm by Hilarie Burton Morgan.

How To Build A Give InKind Page for Someone Coping With a Cancer Diagnosis

Getting Started

Begin with the understanding that cancer diagnosis is frightening. Resist the impulse to offer reassurances that may land, however well-intended, as platitudes. Individual paths will differ; responses to treatments will vary. We gently remind those who want to help that the best way to be effective is to double down on listening – and begin by mobilizing effective help. Ask the newly diagnosed person what they need. If it is useful, consider identifying a well-placed third party (a sister-in-law, for example), to tease out issues that may feel difficult to address (see a sample Give InKind Support Page for Someone Diagnosed With Cancer).

Care Calendar

The family situation of newly-diagnosed is a useful starting point for discussion. If the person has child/ren, the logistics of kids – even if they are older – will enter into planning. If a newly diagnosed person is working and needs to take a leave, s/he may need to make up for lost wages. If s/he is involved in the care of older parents, this reality will need to be addressed simultaneously. Use the Care Calendar to add as many actionable items that are needed to help provide care in any configuration.

Food: Meals and groceries are always among the most popular calendar items. Providing food to people in treatment is difficult, as some treatments may cause nausea. Are prepared meals an option? If they are, think about options for safe delivery. Bear in mind that patients are often immune-compromised because of medical treatments. They may or may not be feeling well enough for visitors. Consider placing a refrigerator outside the front door of a residence or an apartment. Make sure to sanitize hands before touching handles or doorknobs, etc. If prepared meals are not an option, think about setting up a Gift Card Train that includes options for takeout so that both patient and family can make selections. As always, be mindful of any food allergies, preferences, or aversions. Make sure to ask about treatment-specific things to be considered when gifting food – there are sometimes specific dietary restrictions to factor in (such as neutropenic diet).
Childcare: (If applicable) If a parent is receiving treatment and there are children at home, consider their obligations. Ballet? Gymnastics? This is helpful to a parent because allowing their children to continue with the things that are important to them is a salve to parent and child, both.
Adult/Senior Care: If the patient is a member of the “Sandwich Generation” and has aging parents, it is necessary to consider them as well. Be mindful of things like checking in about prescription refills, rides to/from doctor appointments, or getting to/from religious services.
Pet Care: (If applicable) Are there pets to care for? It may be helpful to make temporary arrangements for necessary dog walks, feedings, or pet-sitting. Don’t forget small pets too – guinea pig food refills, and etc.
Home Services: From maintenance appointments to helping with chores around the house, use this category for any home services that they may feel like too much. In particular, consider laundry services, house cleaning, etc. Laundry, always a herculean task, is more so when someone is ill.
Other: “Other” is the ultimate catch-all category. This is a great way to create opportunities for connection that can sometimes get lost in the shuffle of a crisis. “Other” can be used for general support such as movie nights that are fun (either remote or in-person) or other less-fun (but still necessary) things like excursions to the pharmacy to pick up a round of supplements not covered by insurance. Or the most mundane things such as car inspections, mulching a garden – these are the things that fall through the cracks in a crisis.

Fundraising

People will have different financial circumstances. Make sure to identify a person who will be able to ask about this in a gentle and non-judgmental manner. Underscore that people understand that few American households are equipped to shoulder a medical crisis. If there is such a need, simply enable the fundraising button on your Give InKind page and connect your PayPal and/or GoFundMe account.

Wishlist

The Give InKind Wishlist is another opportunity for others to meaningfully support a person receiving treatment for breast cancer. Browse Give InKind’s curated list for suggested items that could help in their unique situation. In addition to take-out, you can include other more non-traditional gift cards as well. When you see an item that could be helpful, use the “+” icon to add to their Wishlist.

You may also add an existing Amazon Wishlist to your Give InKind page.

Communication Preferences

Use Give InKind’s do-not-disturb section to let others know about the recipient’s communication preferences. Keep in mind that these preferences can be easily turned on or off as a situation changes.

Phone Calls: Does the recipient want to communicate with others? If so, what is the best way for others to reach out – a phone call or text? Asking about preferences lets them know they are being thought of even if they aren’t always up for talking. Many people in treatment are grateful when people reach out – it means a lot even when they can’t always respond immediately.
Visitors: Does the recipient want visitors? If so, when?
Flowers: Is the recipient open to receiving flowers? Some people may welcome them – but there are intricacies associated with flowers that are worth asking about. People who are very immune-compromised may need to avoid bacteria present in some flowers. Fragrant flowers, no matter how lovely, may sometimes exacerbate treatment side-effects. So do not rule out – but do go ahead and ask. 😉

Updates

Facing cancer is a frightening experience. So this is to serve as gentle encouragement and a way to offer help without feeling intrusive. People will advise you of the parameters of their comfort level in terms of support. In any circumstance, they deeply appreciate offers of assistance. Create your Give InKind Support Page here.

If you have any further questions, visit Give InKind’s Help Center or view our helpful articles about how to support people coping with a cancer diagnosis.

How To Build A Give In Kind Page For Someone Entering Hospice Care (& Their Family)

Give InKind’s support pages offer assistance to those wanting to know how to be helpful to a loved one in a time of need. Here, we consider how to set up a Give InKind page for an individual (or the family) of someone who has entered hospice care.

Getting Started

Begin with the understanding that experiences of hospice care run the gamut in terms of complex grief. Responses depend upon a variety of factors related to the circumstances of the now-terminal patient. Is the patient elderly? Is the patient a younger parent? Is the patient a child? In all of these circumstances, grief will be ever-present – but the quality of the grief will be different. (This is not to engage in the hierarchy of grief – all loss is deeply painful). This is more a gentle reminder that it is useful to resist the impulse to offer “advice” that may land, however well-intended, as platitudes. The best way to help in an individual case is to double down on listening.

Ask the patient what they need. (Include adult patients who don’t want to be infantilized.) As the patient becomes sicker, work to designate a point person to manage communication, ultimately. Be mindful of family dynamics. Find ways to include more than one family representative to avoid resurgent tension-provoking family dynamics. If the person in hospice care is very young, appoint a third party so that a parent can focus on the child. One attribute a suitable spokesperson may have is the ability to gently and kindly enforce boundaries. (For more information see a sample Give InKind Support Page for Someone Entering Hospice Care & Their Family.)

Care Calendar

The family situation of a hospice patient is a useful starting point for consideration. Use the Care Calendar to add as many actionable items needed to help provide care.

Food: Meals and groceries are always among the most popular calendar items. In hospice care, this need tends to be amplified. Providing food to people who are present with the patient is priceless. If they are in hospice at home, there may be many friends and family members gathered. Think about options for safe delivery. Consider placing a refrigerator outside the front door of a residence or an apartment. Make sure to sanitize hands before touching handles or doorknobs, etc. If prepared meals are not an option, think about setting up a Gift Card Train that includes options for takeout so that both patient and family can make selections. Make sure to include green/bamboo disposable items with meals because washing dishes is hard.
Childcare: (If applicable) Are younger children present? Their presence may be very important. If, however, they need a break, offers of assistance for an outing may be welcome.
Pet Care: (If applicable) Are there pets to care for? It may be helpful to make temporary arrangements for necessary dog walks, feedings, or pet-sitting.
Home Services: From maintenance appointments to helping with chores around the house, use this category for any home services that they may feel like too much. In particular, consider laundry services, house cleaning, etc. If hospice takes place at home and people have gathered, housekeeping services can be invaluable.
Other: “Other” is the ultimate catch-all category. This is a great way to create opportunities for connection that can sometimes get lost in the shuffle of a crisis. “Other” can be used for general support such as Skype conferences timed to include loved ones who may not be able to make a trip.

Fundraising

People will have different financial circumstances. Make sure to identify a person who will be able to ask about this in a gentle and non-judgmental manner. Are funeral expenses likely to be an issue? Are there anticipated expenses that need accounting for, such as accrued medical debt? If there is such a need, simply enable the fundraising button on your Give InKind page and connect your PayPal and/or GoFundMe account.

Wishlist

The Give InKind Wishlist is another opportunity for others to meaningfully support a hospice patient and their family. Browse Give InKind’s curated list for suggested items that could help in their unique situation. In addition to take-out, you can include other more non-traditional gift cards as well. When you see an item that could be helpful, use the “+” icon to add to their Wishlist.

You may also add an existing Amazon Wishlist to your Give InKind page.

Communication Preferences

Phone Calls: Does the patient want to communicate with others? If so, how? Do they like phone calls, text, or FaceTime? The extended family may benefit from this consideration in a hospice situation, as well.
Visitors: Does the recipient want visitors? If so, when? Make sure to communicate preferences – such as keeping visits short.
Flowers: Flowers may be lovely in this situation, but they aren’t necessarily the priority. Go ahead and ask, though. Some people love flowers.

Updates

It can be hard to know what to say or do in a circumstance where someone is facing death. Offers of assistance are appreciated. People will advise you of the parameters of their comfort level in terms of support. Create your Give InKind Support Page here.

If you have any further questions, visit Give InKind’s Help Center or view our helpful articles about how to support people managing hospice care.

The Male Experience of Grief from Anger to Love: An Excerpt from Vessels by Daniel Raeburn

When Daniel Raeburn and his wife Rebecca met they fell in love. “Of all the women I’ve ever met,” Dan told a friend, “she’s the first one who felt like family.” But at Christmas, as they prepared for the birth of their first child, she was tragically stillborn. This the story of how the two both clashed and clung to each other through a series of unsuccessful pregnancies before finally, joyfully, becoming parents.

Vessels is an unflinching, enormously moving account of intimacy, endurance, and love.

—–

One night Bekah said, You’re not just angry. You’re angry at me.

I’d managed to hide this, but only from myself.

I remembered our first big trip together. Zion, where we’d stepped inside a slit in the Earth’s crust. The slit was a hundred feet deep, so narrow we’d had to walk single file. When our shoulders brushed against the stone, we were brushing against the Jurassic Era. We rounded a bend. A skeleton, ten feet above our heads. A fawn. A flash flood had lifted her up and driven her into a crease in the rock. We took a lot of photographs that day, but not of the fawn. We knew we’d never forget her.

We’d spent days in the canyons’ mazes. Now she was sitting across the kitchen table from me. I learned one thing in the wilderness, I said: whenever I found myself lost, to stop and sit still until I could remember the last time I knew where I was and where I was going.

When was that for you I said.

She was quiet.

For me, it was the morning I finished writing the Imp about Mexico. That, and the day I asked you to marry me.

Irene’s birthday, she said. And the day after, when we got back from the hospital. Before we had to start seeing people.

She was right. All we’d had to do then was grieve. Now we had to live.

Or survive. At first I didn’t recognize a guy who lived in our building. His head was shaved white, his scalp stitched together like the hide on a baseball.

Kids, he said. Out front the other night.

They didn’t take his wallet. They’d just wanted to hit him.

A few days later somebody taped a notice to our lobby door. Kids had singled out more than thirty people at random and beaten them. Avoid leaving the building before school, after school, or during lunch hours. The warning faced in from our lobby window, so people who walked by couldn’t read it. Whoever’d posted it didn’t want the kids to know that they had people scared.

In April two girls jumped a woman. She was found next to her shattered cell phone, her baby crying in its stroller. Some of my neighbors were shocked: Girls had done this. I wasn’t shocked. I’d seen girls tear each other’s hair out. I’d stepped over clumps of bloody braids on the sidewalk. The next day seven kids beat a man. By the end of April more than forty people had been beaten. By the end of May, fifty-five.

Every weekday Bekah stood in front of the high school across the street, waiting for the bus that took her downtown. I didn’t wait with her, and she didn’t ask me to. That’s how deadened we were. We’d eat breakfast and say, Bye. I’d hear the stairs groan, the lobby door bang shut. Then I’d listen to a piece of music that had been left for dead.

The man who wrote it was the youngest of eight kids, four of whom died. When he was nine his mom died. Then his dad died. He was sent to a conservatory, where he learned to compose and mourn at the same time. He grew up and had seven kids. Three died. His wife died. He remarried and had thirteen more kids. Seven died. Twenty kids, and ten died.

The music was an ecstasy of agony. It sounded like it was agonizing over life itself. Was it really worth the living? I was asking myself this question, and no answer made sense. Sense wasn’t the point. Sensations were. That’s what the music gave me: the feeling that even though life itself means nothing, living is everything.

The cellist playing it had been born a hundred and twenty-eight years ago, on the day after Irene’s birthday. When he came out his face was black, the umbilical cord a noose around his neck. He survived, but his mom’s next baby didn’t. It died. So did the next. And the next. And the next. And the next. And the next. And the next. And the next. Eight kids in a row died. At age twelve their brother found what I was listening to in a secondhand shop, where posterity had more or less left it. He took it back to his room and practiced it in private for twelve years. Then he played it in public. When he did, he resurrected it. We can’t think about Bach’s six suites for cello without thinking about the boy who adopted them: Pablo Casals.

I’d heard that name before. Where? I remembered the voice in my head, the one that’s always been a part of me, but also apart from me, even though it’s mine. An inkling led me across the room. I rolled open the drawer in my filing cabinet. There was the folder with Irene’s name. Inside it was the booklet with the cross-eyed teddy bear. The literature. Inside that, the bald statement that had struck me:

“The main thing in life is not to be afraid to be human.” Pablo Casals.

I listened to him and Bach religiously. I got rid of the records I’d grown up with. The historical record. Records by bands named for psychological disorders, insecticides, suicides. Bands whose names ended in -ide, period. Named after battlefields, combat, the ‘Nam slang that meant zipped into a body bag. A record with a song about drinking black coffee and staring at the wall. The last time I’d listened to the song I’d been sixteen years old, driving my car sixty miles an hour upside down, in midair. Not on purpose, but not accidentally; it was an accident that was bound to happen. I was wearing an army field jacket and no seat belt. As the car and I turned end over end three times and crunched down onto the highway in front of oncoming traffic, black coffee and staring at the wall became the last words I’d ever hear.

But they weren’t. An upside-down paramedic appeared. You all right?

He couldn’t believe it either.

In the twenty years since, I hadn’t listened to the song.

I didn’t need to. I heard it in my head every time I drank black coffee and stared at the wall, which I’ve done every morning ever since.

I stacked my records in front of a record store clerk. He said, Would five hundred dollars be too much of an insult?

Yes, but I said No. Record stores had been my favorite form of financial suicide. One last time wouldn’t kill me.

The only time I hesitated in this purge was when I came across my favorite album. A double album. Twin records, from the Twin Cities. I’d once told the documentarian that listening to them was like loading both barrels of a shotgun with black licorice, sticking them in your mouth, and pulling the trigger. The band had translated their name into the language of another country. It was Do You Remember?

The album had a junkyard on its cover. Crushed cars. I tossed it in with the rest. I’d always love it. That’s why I had to get rid of it.

***

(Spoiler Alert but we want to leave you with the hard-won hope. This recounts marriage and living after the subsequent birth of a healthy baby.)

I looked at her. I saw Irene. I remembered her. Then someone snipped the umbilical cord and the memory was gone; only the thought of it was left. The baby spluttered and choked and turned pink. An internal organ had become a human being. She cried. Then I cried.

“That is happiness,” Willa Cather wrote: “to be dissolved into something complete and great.”

I’d read this sentence fifteen years ago and I didn’t realize that I’d memorized it until the day I poured Irene’s ashes into her urn when it had come back to me. It had come back again on her birthday, and now her sister’s birthday.

We named her sister Willa.

Give InKind is honored to include this powerful excerpt about men and perinatal loss by award-winning author Daniel Raeburn. Raeburn’s work has appeared in numerous magazines, including The New Yorker which first published the essay that inspired Vessels: A Love Story.

Editor’s note: As someone who has experienced stillbirth and remained married, I will say that this book is the most perfect articulation of relationships after a loss – it tells a diamond-hard and ultimately loving truth about how couples cope. The complexity that Raeburn permits readers to interpret is a gift. Raeburn allowed me to understand my husband’s experience. And this helped us immeasurably as we continued to build our family – even years out.